Falling apart. I opened myself to one person my whole entire life, that was Lou. So now, broken, I still only want to talk to Lou. Even if it's just a word. If he says hi. And I say hi, and he'll say hi again and I'll repeat a hi. It'll make my day. Isn't that sad?? Just a hi would make my day? What's really sad, is waking up, smoking a cig, and wanting to go right back to bed. To not face the world without my partner. Cause I can't do this shit alone. It's a shitty world we live in. It's heartless. It's hard. And it's worthless. But when you have your best friend by your side, it's everything. You wake up, pumped. You look forward to living because, well your in love. Today, there's a storm. It's lightening and thundering and occasionally raining. I sat outside for close to an hour just sitting in my yard. Watching the lightening struck and the thunder roar, and just waiting for it to scare me. Like it usually does. And I just sat there. Like a lifeless soul. I'm lost. I'm not scared of thunder or lightening anymore but I'm scared of myself. I'm not like this. I'm not miserable. I haven't been in a while. I'm not lazy, but suddenly it's hard for me to try and go out. I don't try with my makeup as often anymore. I sleep til 2 sometimes in the afternoon and waste my day, because why would I want to live another day with out Lou? I don't. And I can't. When I say I'm falling, I mean falling into a state where I should never go in. It traumatizing you. It's almost as if your in a place you don't know your way around. You're also blind folded and you have to feel your way around. And you also can't hear and the only thing you have is your mind. Your mind will feel like it'll explode, because you can't talk to anyone, you can't let your thoughts loose, and so lost because your life changed. Waking up thinking about your Bestfriend and starting your day off with a good morning, seeing him around 1 and then planning our day together, almost every single day. Then at the end of the day, coming home, and saying a goodnight, and waiting for tomorrow to come. Things change. I wake up, think about him, hope I get a text throughout the day, but don't look forward too it because now it's rare. And a surprise. Go see AJ, talk about Lou, go home, watch tv, and wanting to go to bed because you just want your day to end. It's horrible. Everything's horrible. We used to be like mike and sully. Like Minnie and Mickey. Like spongebob and Patrick. Like Lou and calli. But I don't know what happened. Nobody really does. It faded. We drifted. I guess we changed. His old Bestfriend came back into his life, and well, I guess that's why AJ came into my life I guess, because eventually, everyone leaves. And I don't think that saying has ever proved me wrong. Everyone leaves. At one point or another, they leave, they get bored. They don't like you anymore, they may even hate you, and they'll leave you. They drop you like nothing. And you'll be well, lost. I'm lost without my Bestfriend. And I can't believe this is it. We had plans together. I wanted my first tattoo to be with him. We were going to have something stupid like "fuck it" and he's have "I've we fucked up" or "cuddle not a dildo" or both saying "let's get lost". We were going to do the fucket list together on day. It's called the Bestfriend fucket list for a reason. You do it with the person you want to fuck around with the most. The person you think will be there forever and well, everyone leaves.
