It's currently 1:02am. I've been now staring at my ceiling for 2 hours not being able to sleep. Today didn't start off bad at all. I went to Dunkin cleaned my car, then when I picked up Lou, I started to get miserable. I suck at driving, I really do. I fully admit I have like no idea what I'm doing and I have no sense of direction. But I hated how all Lou did was fucking yell at me. I was so miserable, but I really don't think he saw that. Maybe? I don't know. But I deserve to be miserable forever. I've literally done the worst thing in the world. It's like worse then someone getting you a puppy and then throwing a rock at it. A stoner got a bong, and his girlfriends sister threw a rock at it. But it gets better, he just got a new one today. Used once. Brand new. I don't think I've seen him ever so pissed and so upset in my life. I got scared. I still am to be honest, probably why I can't sleep. He's not talking much, and if he is, it's him telling me he wants to money for it. And I get it. I'm literally going to work my ass off for the next two weeks til I come up with 300$. My part time job will be a full time job. And after that, I'll beg my mom to let me clean something an get paid for it. I scrap for money the way it is, and now I just feel so terrible that I really need to scrap alittle harder. I should honestly just make a go fund me page. But then I starting thinking about how I'm going to make this money. And then i just started thinking. I hate relationship, because I hate feelings. I hate them. I restricted myself from getting them, and I have them. I have happiness sometimes, other times, I'm sad, others I'm angry, and sometimes it's all. But never have I ever, thought I'd be this upset, with this relationship I have with Lou. But right now I do. I feel the pain rn. I just cried over someone who can probably give less of a shit about me right now. I literally just broke the thing he loved the most. Even though he just got it. And when I saw his face when he got it he looked happy. I took that away in a matter of a few hours. Which sucks. I can't even tell if he's mad, or sad. Or both. I don't know. Just the look he gave when I heard the rock hit. I felt like everything's over. "We're just friends now. He hates me." I felt like I did when I was with 'first'. I fucking hate feeling the way I did with him. And for the first time I felt like I was in that relationship again. I felt like everything is my fault, even though my sister threw it, it was my fault. I feel like I'm a fuck up, and I ruined a good night. I feel sad. And for a long time, I WAS happy. I just hate feelings. I shouldn't have them. And I really don't understand why I do right now. Feeling miserable. Low. Really low. And i don't understand why. I've been miserable. Just everyday waking up I just want to go back to bed. And never wake up. I feel sad. And I don't want to get myself that way again. I've thought about doing horrible things again, and it sucks knowing I really can't. And I really don't know why I feel this way. cause everything is right where I want it. Like I finally have Lou. I'm talking to my dad. Me and my mom are getting along, I have my car, everything is good. But I feel upset. Sometimes I think it might be Lou. But I know it can't be because without him I'd be nothing. Maybe it's the thought of loosing him, or him cheating, or just the things that can't go wrong but haven't. Yet. I know he says he's not gonna leave blah blah blah, but too many people have done it, why wouldn't he?? Like why is he different? Maybe he says he is, but Lauren. 10 damn years and I never in a million years thought she'd leave but she did. But it might not be that. I may be sad because who knows when he's going to cut me off again. I maybe upset because I'm just me. I really don't know. And I think I might actually need help. Sos.
