Little does anyone know, I suffer from anxiety and depression. I cope with it though. One minute I'll be happy and smiling and the next minute I'm freaking out and hoping I don't burst into tears or do something stupid. For the first time in forever I smiled. And a actual smile where I actually felt it on the inside and not just faking it. It was Bag and I. We were swinging on swings facing the sun. The leaves were falling and also changing colors. I could of sworn that I saw them mid change. We were listening to the Beatles "here comes the sun." And I was just swinging and smiling. I don't think she knew how happy I actually was. It was peaceful, and I could breathe. Usually I just laugh a little longer and a little too hard, and I'm not okay. I regret opening up to some people, they didn't deserve to know that part of me. And I'm scared to continue opening up to some people. It's hard for me and a lot of people don't get that. So when I do actually care for someone.. I care for them hard. If I love you I get jealous. That's what I do. So the same moleface that was with first, is now with Lou. I'm freaking out because I'm utterly in love. I have no idea why, I just am. It sucks yanno being in love with someone who isn't in love with you that same way. There's ways that this kid kills me to pieces, the day after we broke up he went to go fuck his ex who he was madly in love with. A way he will never be in love with me. Only her. AJ told me. I was standing working and at this point I snuck he into my work. I remember it like it was yesterday because of how badly I felt. We were walking to the side door to smoke a cig and she looks at me and say "don't be upset, Lou is at KPs house" I fell over and hunched my body and turned away from her. I dropped my cig and bawled my eyes out for the next 10 minutes. She didn't know what to do and just rubbed my back. I got a customer in the window and I had to hold it together to try and scoop some girl an ice cream. And from that day forward I never felt the same towards him. But I still love him. I get pissed sometimes and think "why did I spend all my quarters on him?" Cause when I was in the hospital it was a quarter for every 30seconds. I kept putting a quarter in so I could talk to him. And then there was 3 beeps, I was out of quarters and I quickly said we have 30 seconds and he says I love you and I say it back and we hang up. Somehow that made my hospital time so much better. Just thinking I'll be out soon and I'll see my best friend again. But now??? I'm destroyed. I can't think of anyone but him. I want to be with him 24/7 for every and always. We had plans man. We made future plans.. what about the fucket list?? We were suppose to do that together, and own 100 dogs. I want to fulfill my dreams with this kid because he has been there for me since I was a fetus in this world basically. He's taught me everything. He's taught me how not to give a shit when it comes to other people, when it's him I go off sometimes, and I'm sorry for that but I care. I'm a mess, you never see it but I am. I went to go see first today and I mentioned Lou a million times, and first used to like blow in my mouth so my cheeks will blow out and I thought Lou did that and it was actually first and I told him and orbs was there and was like she mentioned Lou and first says "I don't hear enough of him" sarcastically. I never realized it but I need him. For the most part keeps me sane. Keeps me guessing. And he used to make me laughs shit tone. But I don't really think he tries to anymore, and I wish he would cause I need a smile once in a while. I'm scared. He's gonna leave. Again. Because truthfully, I'm replaced.
