Love? Fear? Sadness? Abandonment? All of the above?? So recently AJ and I stopped talking. I know why but she doesn't. I've never left someone before. They've always left me. I heard she was talking to AIDS again and AIDS doesn't like me. So if she becomes best friends with her again, it's either me or her. And I left. Because I don't want to be a choice. I want to feel safe and secured and not fight. I hate fighting, so then Lou. We're friends again I guess. Talking everyday like we used too. But I'm confused on that. He says he doesn't like to text everyday, but yet we do. He'll even text first sometimes. And we actually hang out pretty occasionally. I'm scared to tell my mom I'm going to hang out with him because I was crushed for a good 2 weeks. Bawled my eyes out every night and she'd come in my room and just rub my back to make me stop and fall asleep. He broke me. I've never wanted something so much in my life and well, it didn't work out. So. My mom hates him because she thinks he's going no where and we'll she thinks he's a loser. But I don't even see that. Cause he's extremely smart. And I would never admit that to him. He's taught me a lot. Like to drop it. Every inch of drama I have I run to him and vent. He basically just says okay when I'm ranting but then at the end he'll say drop it. And i always think damn. Yea why am I actually talking about this, it's irrelevant. I feel like that's why I like talking to him everyday cause he does make my day like 99% of the time. Cause I love him. He's my best friend. I'm not his, but he's mine. I told AJ that Lou annoys me. Which really isn't true. He's really never annoying. I get mad at him or pissed but never annoyed. When he's grumpy I'll get mad because I like when he's happy cause it makes me happy. Or if he's goofy, it's funny. When he text me I still light up cause chances are, I'm moody. And AJ I'm sorry. I don't know if you'll read this or not but girls are insane. Drama all the time. Guys every other week. Dumb shit you do just annoys me. You do things to yourself and then complain about why the other person did it. When 99.9% of the time it's your fault. I feel like a babysitter to you. And I was annoyed. I love you to death dude, but I'm just annoyed. Your fun, silly and crazy energetic and we're the same person almost. But the difference between me and you is I don't take shit from people. And you do. You go back to your same mistakes. And I've been holding it in forever, finally I just let it all out. So sorry if I hurt you and I don't care to be your friend but I'm Not good at this whole, we need to see each other everyday and be with each other 24/7 and I want to be alone sometimes. I want to go home and write, and paint and blast ed Sheehan until my speakers blow. Or I want to listen and memorize every word to chance and be alone. So when I say no. It's no. I want to be with Rex and Bag alone sometimes. Just because. Or even Lou, or Knee. Or Lauren. I want other friends too. I feel if I'm best friends with you, you get pissed at me for talking to Lou, when he's the only one stopping me from loosing it. He's not doing anything special, he's just never left my crazy ass for the last two years. We've never fought before until we got in that relationship. And that's just because I wasn't his type for a relationship, I'm meant to be his friend. Sure that killed, but I get it. He wasn't happy in it. You can't be with someone and make them unhappy. I don't know dude. I'm just sorry. Rex and Bag. You guys and I have gotten so close this year and I love it!!! I literally had no friends in the school because I was best friends with people who weren't in school. So having you guys in my life makes me so happy because you guys are the shit!!! And same with Knee. We hated each other for the longest time. Or I hated you at least because you and smelly had a thing but you hurt him or some shit and I got mad at you for it. But then last year at the fair we rode on one ride together and we were flipping upside down and you were saying "I really hope you don't hate me, I'm not into First." And I got over it cause I knew you meant it. Your hilarious and I love you. And I realized something. Relationships. For the longest time I wanted the Cinderella relationship. Where he would drive and take me out to dinners, but letting him drive my car going home at 3am from Pokémon hunting and getting curry was better than going out to dinner and on a date. I wanted someone who showed me off, but being with him everyday was better then announcing it to the world. I wanted a relationship to be happy. But now I wanted him to be my one and only, forever. I wanted us to make a commitment to being together. Cause I knew I needed no other boy besides him. I just wanted to be with him. I didn't even care to do anything with him, I just wanted to know that we were going to be together forever. I still feel that way. But I know we have to just be friends to not ruin, well us. The real us. The friend us, and I love that us. And I admit I did sorta change in a relationship because I wanted that Instagram relationship you see. Relationship goals. But we were. How many people are actually in a relationship with their best friend. People are in a relationship with someone they like but then they have their best friend. At one point I had Lou, and then Lou. So now I'm just trying to get over it. And I will one day, it's just hard knowing there's that possibility that we won't be. So I guess we'll see.
