I hate relationships. I've never liked them. I've always ended up hurt. Or lonely. Or lost. Or just unstable. Lou helped me so much since first. I became safe, stable, happy, and on track. And if it wasn't for him I'd be dead. Literally. Every damn time I'd think about doing something stupid. I'd stay stop, you have Lou. Lou will hate this. Lou will be upset. But fuck that now. I'm unhappy. He makes me happy at times but I think as friends we were better. He treated me better than he does now. We used to talk about our feeling and shit. I fucking loved that. We used to laugh uncontrollably for hours. We used to cry with each other. And I get nothing now. I barely even get a hug goodbye. I always wanted a relationship where he thought I was his world. I know I'm not lous. I wanted someone to take me out to ice cream and pay. I wanted someone to surprise me with something I like at midnight. Or someone who just tells me I'm pretty and kisses me on the forehead. But when Lou and I started dating I thought this is better it's my best friend. But i want to be treated like a person. And not someone who's going to tell me to cry them a river. Cause right now I probably can. We're fighting right now so soon and I don't feel good. There's so many things I love that will drive me insane, but treating me like a piece of shit makes me feel that way. And I know I deserve someone who treats me at least nice. I don't mind if there's a few names here and there. Like dummy or stupid or something. But all the damn time. I feel like he's always annoyed with me. He doesn't like me and he just feels bad I guess. I don't know. He said he wasn't going to change. But he has. He's been hurtful. Even if I was just a friend right now I'd be hurt. I really have no idea what to do. What to say. How to handle this. I don't want to be unhappy. But I really can't loose my best friend. Dare I say this but I love him. I really actually do. I've never felt this way with first or spikes. I never felt butterflies or had smirks. I'd never had a boyfriend really. I'm only officially dated first but we were off an on every other week. Because he treated me like a piece of garbage. And I don't want my best friend and I to end up like me and first. But it's the same thing. Treated like shit. Maybe it's just me. Do I deserve to be treated like this? It has to be me. It happens all the damn time and this time I'm just done. I'm done trying so hard. I give up. It's whatever from this point on. Whatever happens, happens. I need to breathe. I don't think I've ever started to hyperventilate since the hospital. And now I can't control it. It's not just Lou. It's just everything. I'm miserable. I've been miserable. Nobody sees it and it's great but, I'm not okay. I've been keeping things in. Barely sleeping. Barely eating. I'm unhealthy. Mentally and physically. And I'm done even trying to motivate myself. I can't do this anymore. Life. In stressed. I'm exhausted and I want to go to bed and never wake up. I want to move away and not tell anyone. I want to go. Go away. Leave. Because I don't belong here. I can't. I'm done.
