I'm speechless. I don't even know what to say. Orby. I have mixed feelings about her. When I'm with her, we always go out and do something. Life is always a thrill with her. But then I feel like behind my back she does and says different things. First and Orby have been friends for awhile. Before me and first ever became a thing. I respected that. I didn't mind them hanging out. But what I did mind was when they started talking about a relationship. Orby asked me the other day if I was still in love with first. I paused. I thought. Well no. But I didn't say no. I said yes. Because I do love him. I hope the best. And I loved the memories and the times we had, but maybe just not him. The him I came to know now. But I guess orby likes the him now. And I really don't know how I feel about it. I honestly don't care if their together or not. The thing that hurts is how can a friend of mine, just try and get with my first love. It's taking a knife and putting it to my back. First love. Oh. And last I guess. But recently. I've been just thinking. About Lou. But harder. It's hard to explain too. I get this rush with him. That I love. Like I want that every second of my life. And then when it goes silent and he's falling asleep at midnight on the middle of the road and I'm looking and the bright star. I started to freak myself out. It was a beautiful silent moment. Pitch black. Nothing but me, him, and the moon. And silence. I thought "love is laying on the road at midnight". And then I really jumped. Love. Can that be?? Love? I scare myself out of it to be honest. Of course I love him. As a friend. As a brother maybe. As a Lauren. But I get just these small moments. Where I just tell myself "damn". And I smile. And quickly stop. I truly think I'm afraid of love again. Because I don't only do it with Lou. He just made me realize it. My step dad was sitting next to me and we're all watching a movie and I feel the vibe of silence and love, and I quickly got up and went to the bathroom. Not only to ruin the silence, but to ruin the love too. Maybe that's why I fight. I don't fight for love, I fight against it. And I hate to say it, but I truly think first has ruined me. After first, I started doing crazy shit. Running away. Fighting with everyone. I lost my best friend. My number 1. My everything. Lauren. I still think about her. A lot. We still talk, but things aren't the same. The freak always pulls her away from me. He always seems a little fishy. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it, and her other friends do too. Lauren and I were one. We always listened to each other. If one was scared, she won't say stop, she'd just say it'll be okay. And I felt that love feeling. Love is when she knew you never liked any other Mac and cheese besides the regular Kraft one. She knew when I went out if get a Shirley temple. She new i loved first, but he never felt the same. She new when I was mad. And she new how to get me unmad. She knew never to say goodbye to me. To always let me have the last word. She knew when I told her to leave, I never meant it. She ran on my bus and refused to leave until I talked to her. She held me when my mother screamed at me right in front of her. She was my whole world. And I miss having my Bestfriend. I miss the walks. The days where she wanted no one else but me and her. And we'd have a blast. The days where we'd talk about life. Camp out on my porch until 3am. Go to the lake. Watch Barbie movies. Talk about guys. Talk about how we'd never separate. But remember the one day I told her to leave?? I wish she would have left then. Less of a heart break than it is now. I think about it. Too much. I remember giving the moon necklace back. Throwing away the 66 photos I had on my wall of just me and her. The tears that came rolling down my face when she said she didn't want to talk to me. And the tears I had when I found out I was replaced. With her boyfriend. And I knew it was going to happen. Maybe that's why I never liked anyone of Lou's recently. Being replaced? Possibly? Truly don't know if i am even being replaced. Because i don't think i was ever placed to begin with. He'll just say I'm crazy or something. But am I?? When I first met Lou, he new it was always callesta and Lauren. If callesta came, Lauren came too. And I knew that was the same with him and Sven. But Lauren and Sven went down their own path. And it was always callesta and Lou. But sven found his way back to Lou, and Lauren's slowly finding herself back to me. So doesn't it go back to how it was?? Callesta and Lauren? Lou and Sven? And then Lou and callesta just talk a couple nights a week. And see each other maybe once every 2 weeks?? Like it used to be. Since our first best friends are back, do we go back to them?? That's what I'm scared of. I think. Replacement. First replaced me with orby. My step dad replaced his daughter, with me. (And kidney) and does Lou replace me with his first best friend?? Sven? Cause svens best friend is Lou. We all know that. And I know Lou's best friend is Sven. Sadly, I know. But the one thing orby taught me, is "if he's happy, I'm happy, I guess." And I'm happy when I'm in the basement eating popcorn with cinnamon and sugar and playing monopoly. And sadly, that wasn't with Lauren. But with Lou.
