Yanno what sucks, opening yourself up to someone. Telling them your afraid to get hurt. Showing your body to them. Letting them touch your body. Trying to put so much effort into one person, and they don't show the effort back. Them telling you to grow up and grow a set. Them leaving you when that was one of you worse fears. He told me he'd never leave. He fucking told me. I told him I was so fucking scared that he was going to leave. And I felt something with him that I have never felt with any other person. Love. I woke up every morning and thought, Lou. Every night I went to bed hoping I'd dream about him and how I would spend the rest of my life with my best friend. One of his "ex girls" (a girl he just fucked around with) told me that he doesn't do attachments bc he's used to people walking out like his dad. he's afraid of disappointments afraid to let someone in for real bc he doesn't wanna get attached and hurt. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO TO ME?? My dad walked out too yanno. He fucking knew how I felt about Lauren leaving me. I cried with him. I fucking cried in front of him. I am so devastated and have no idea what to think. Today, I went to court. They asked me who were my friends, and how are they. I said my four best friends. And then he asked about my first real relationship. I said Lou. I started chocking up, hoping we could get off the subject. I told him I didn't keep in touch with him anymore. And he asked why. My mother was standing right there, and I put my head down, I said he cheated. I could almost see the tears in her eyes to see how bad she felt for me, because she knew I never gave up on this guy. I believed in him when no one else did. I wanted him to succeed because I knew he could. And no one else did. His best friends don't. They've all fucking told me he was a loser. But I saw past that. I believe he would get a full time job, and a car and get his license. I believed in him because no one else did. It hurts that he stopped believing in me. We used to be so close. I don't know what happened. We used to be happy together. But now I blocked him on everything, cause I can't bare to see him with some other girl. He told me this time would be different, and he would try. But it wasn't. We're not the same anymore. And the day I became single I think 100 people messaged me and asked if I was okay, cause they all knew this boy ment the world to me, but he couldn't see that. He killed me. When I stay silent with a car for of my friends, I'm probably thinking about Lou. And today, going to court was the hardest thing to talk about. I had to say he cheated on me. Everyone is thinking?? Omg did he?? Yes. He was talking to a girl the whole time we were dating and never told me. He had a thing with her before apparently, and he asked to hang out with her like every other day. If he never told me, mentally cheating is a thing. And i was shocked. I trusted him. He doesn't tell me much, he really never did, but I still trusted him. If a guy said hey to me I'd tell him, but if a girl was flirting with him he'd never mention it. We used to tell each other everything. We honestly did. And we used to never fight. He used to be happy with me, and I tried talking to him, I said wait nevermind though cause I told you I'd leave. He never tried stopping me. So that's when I cried for hours. And I couldn't go to bed, cause I knew something was missing. That's when I knew, yet again, someone left. And that hurts. He knew things no one else did. He was the person I told everything too, that I was so happy with, but I guess he never felt the same with me. And now that everyone found out that I was single, I think 20 people have been trying to get with me, and the one thing still on my mind is Lou. It feels sick to be with another guy other then him. He used to know me so well. His best friend even tried to get with me the day after. His best friend said he never really cared about me, and that he wouldn't care if I got with him. It hurts man.. it hurts that he said so many things that I believed and he never ment none of it. He said bye. He never said I will always love you, or can we be friends or I'll miss you, or anything. He said bye, and left. I can't be shown weak, Cause even though he thought I was soft, I'm not. I have a lot of feelings and shit, but I don't think anyone told me I was soft. I'f he thought I was soft, I'd love to see how his next girl is. But a little birdy told me to be the bigger person, so I am. If he gave up, I am too.
