I'm a writer. That's what I do I write shit. I like to think before I say stuff. And if I'm just rambling, I don't truly say what I want to say. Lou and I just talked about 'us'. Crazy right?? An us?? And I don't know if I'm feeling sad or angry or happy or what? He told me how he felt. And I was in shock. It's just going to be different with him because we're so close as friends. I can feel it now. Like kissing or fucking or anything, it's just going to be 'weird'? Cause I'll remember it like the back of my hand. And I know that's probably going to suck the most cause I know if I let myself, I can fall for this kid. Easily. And if not, I probably already did. Reasons why I can't say it to him? Scared. Nervous. Stressed. A lot of things. I just think that.. He's amazing. He's everything I've ever wanted. As a friend, maybe more? I compare all these guys to him. Miles, Kale, anyone. Like their all amazing but their not Lou. Lou is different. He's my best friend. My 'go-to'. My wake up next to. My everything. I just think if we do this, it could ruin a lot. It could safe a lot. And as orbys friend, juice would say, sex is just a bonus. If we have this good of a time, just liking being around each other.. Fucking why not? Right? I love being around him, but yea sometimes I do just want to be alone too. Sit home and paint. Write? Sometimes I just can't hang out when my moms a bitch. And my mother would probably kill me. But I wanna say it's kinda worth it. It's worth a million words. That's the saddest thing, it may not work out. And if it doesn't, I hope we can go back to being friends, I really do. But you can't hold back feeling either. But it's the fact that, that all happened, this talk that we just had, it's going to make everything different. And we already basically started it. Right now, we just started something completely new. It's not a friendship anymore. It's a relationship basically. But that means I'm not going to get cheated on either. And I won't be lied too. You don't lie to me as a friend. You don't lie to me if things are different. I know ya did it with previous girlfriends. I knew what he thought and said about his 'girls' and if I ever got treated like some of the things he's said about them, or done to them,I don't know what I'd do id be hurt. And that feeling of being hurt again kills. I'm scared. I've never been in love with someone really. And if I was that hurt over first, I can't even imagine the hurt is be in if Lou and I didn't work out. If anything even happens. Ya Lou I like you. I like you a lot. And sometimes you get to me you really do. You'd just say your with krazy today and it kinda makes me mad. I don't know why. I've only known her from Lauren's brother. Only heard things, and I'm not a quick person to judge. Under the circumstances. Jealously maybe? I don't know. The most we've ever done was hug or hold hands. I did that in preschool with this kid named Anthony. I thought I was like in love with this kid. But I never really knew what love was until I met you. Just because you treat me 10x better than first or spikes ever have. They treated me like garbage. And you not. I mean yea sometimes you'll say shit that hurts me. Gets to me. But it's not the end of the world. I know you didn't mean it. I just know. I know you. Maybe not as well as you want me too, or don't want me too. But I know you. And kp. You guys were friend before a relationship came into place. And I do not want it to end like that. I just can't. I felt so bad for kp when you guys broke up. Just because the thought of loosing you kills me. And if Kp said she loved you, as much as she told me, and as much as I love you. I feel heartbroken for that girl, because you are the best thing that ever happened to my life. You take me on these wild adventures, that my mother would kill me for if she ever found out. Like the way we are now is so amazing, and it would be insane what we would do in a relationship. Probably I don't know. I don't know what the future holds. And it could hold a lot. At least that's what I'd like to think. But if I act different, I'm always mad at you, something? Leave. Not leave me but leave that relationship. I don't know how I am with relationships. Only the other person knows that. I mean sure I'm going to be mad that your going with krazy just because I know you wanted to fuck or did?? But I trust you. And I don't want you trying to hid stuff from me either just because a title of a relationship. I don't want a title to mean something. It's a title. It's not what makes us. It's crazy. Truly fucking crazy. I'll admit when you said "I'll be honest I love you." It'll never leave my mind. I felt like my world came together. I was shocked. I was happy. I was so many things, but I was speechless. Tyler from the beach, I was speechless, I could talk to this kid. Which was weird cause I'm really not a shy person to people I don't care for. I couldn't say anything, because I liked him. And I was scared of what he might say. I'll be honest when you said "I don't want to" and I was like "yup same" I felt kinda hurt. But at this time with Tyler, I didn't really know Lou like I do now. Like now a guy tries talking to me and I just think "you're not Lou" that's my instant thought, and it scares me because I advoided this for so long. And never caught feelings since first. Or spikes. I was doing so good. But I was also shutting myself down when I got them. I left like snap. Like I stay up think about Lou. If he's at work until 10 one night, I know he's at work, but I just want to stay up, make sure he get home okay. Like just make sure he's good. I guess. Like I don't care if you talk to me everyday or not, that's not the matter. It's just the fact I wanna know your safe. And okay. Like if you wanted to go out with Sven and have a guys day or something. I get it. I want to have a girls day sometimes. We have to respect that. And I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm just sick of people telling me we in love with each other, when we know. We love each other as friends. As more? I don't know. Like I do want us to keep going. Me and you. Forever and always. Til the end. Because I feel like we could defeat the world together. It just sucks when you have people telling you your feelings and your not even sure of them yourself. And you don't know why your having metal break downs, or hurting. Or being so happy it's unreal. Or so mad you could scream your lung out. I think you have to understand is I really don't have anyone besides you. Like AJ and AIDS are amazing they are. Their always there. They always help me. They smoke that's a plus. Their my best girl friends by far, but if I didn't have you I feel like I would become lost. Cause I would have me either. You kept me going. I get so low sometimes but I think ya know, live for Lou. I remembered you found out about Lauren's 5 cuts on her thighs and you weren't even that close to her and you cared a lot. You were upset. But little did you know I had like 50 something, and I stopped. I didn't want you being upset over it. Or causing your more stress. And if that what I'm doing now, forget all of this. Tonight. Yesterday. Everything. Lou, you're the first person I want to say everything to, that's not going to change. I won't let it. You know me better than I know myself. You know when I have to stop. You know when I'm mad, or sad. Or want to say something. Or when I like you. It's like I just hear your name and I just smile. And that's what get me the smile.
