So alot has happen and i felt the need to update. Theres a boy. Not spikes, not first. Not anyone old. I talk to spikes still, not like we used to but just a check up here and there, making sure hes okay. And me and first and over. We havent seen or talk to each other in months. Which scares me to think the 4 years are officially over because once i get over it im not going back. So ill call this boy Tyler, cause he looks like a tyler but thats not his name. I met him at the beach. And hes so sweet its unreal. And hes so fucking hot. But theres a problem. Im so hurt. Im so broken and torn. Im so screwed up and i dont want to screw things up, and he lives here and i live there, but he said he liked me. He said he fucking likes me and i was so happy. I didnt want to say something stupid to screw anything up so i stayed quiet. I didnt want to be crushed or broken when he says my nose is too small or i have Chinese eyes. I didnt want to mess anything up. So i stayed silent. I lost my voice the second i saw him. And the text i sent him were all so true, but seeing him in person makes me want to run up and just kiss him, but if i do that, am i being weird? He scooters. And hes reallyyyy good at it. Hes amazing to watch. Even just sitting there and watching him get cranky and tired i think its so cute. But i stay silent. I dont want to scare him, i dont want to be hurt again so i go home and have more hospital visits and more therpist appt, basically everyone making me feel like im insane. But im not. He doesnt exactly talk either. He gets angry. I didnt kiss him. But when i kiss him, theres no going back, that means im gonna fall. Im going to fall hard, and if he wants to make things work living in here. i would. Hes a sweetheart and i dont think ive really ever had that before. So im scared. Im scared to fall then i fuck something up and be completely broken once again and continue the process. I dont know what to do. I want to make everything right, have something. Anything really. My dads birthday past. And his crazy girlfriend bought a riffle. I dont think its for him, i feel like its for her to honestly shoot me. Meghan and i were talking about it and we think shes planning some murder scene on me. So if i die yall. This is the person who would. Ive had nightmares and woke up screaming, sweating and crying, and then just sat there heavily breathing. Lou and i are obviously still the best of friends, he was suppose to come down to the beach but he cant convice his mom to go. KP and i still talk but things changed. I feel like were acting different toward each other. Which kills cause its my best friends gf. Like i want her to like me but its just that i feel us acting different and i really cant help that. But update at the beach, weve got chased by cops, didnt get caught, smoked in the porta potty, almost got raped. And i met the guy that may be the perfect guy to ever lay eyes on. And i may have screwed everything up by just not talking. Ive performed in front of thousands, but i cant say a word to one guy. It makes no sense to me. So currently 3:41am and im laying down and over thinking. We came back to the condo around 2, and tylers never texted me or said really anything. His friends came to the park, but he didnt. Which truly just broke me cause i was ready to talk. I was ready to just straight up say everything, but he didnt come. He has school later so i get it, but it crushed me. I wanted him to come so i could just open up. So im hoping tomorrow after he gets out if school hell actually come. Hell forgive and forget. And we could move on. Im better on a keyboard, i have time to think. I dont have to bite my sweatshirt or bracelet because im nervous to talk. I dont have to shake my leg or flick my fingers cause im scared. I could just type and show a sign of confidence, when in person i keep my head down hoping nobody would say anything. I worry alot. I worry that i wont fit in. He wont like me. Hell be judgy. Hell do something to crush my spirits because every other person did.. so why wouldn't he? Might as well. Im scared of him because he gives me some sorta of feeling that im scared to feel again. So my point is, i have alot in my mind, not my mouth. And life is blowing rn. SOS.
