My mother said I was outspoken. But that was a good thing. Because I talk about everything and show that I care. I do that by screaming when I'm mad. Crying when I'm sad, laughing when I'm happy and so forth. I told her I wanted to be like AJ and my sister. Because AJ doesn't talk to AIDS but it seems like she doesn't care. She doesn't cry about it. Or talk about her often. Same with kidney. She comes off as if she doesn't care. Like they totally forgot about everything that ever hurt them. But how?? How can I get over the fact of loosing my Bestfriend?? I can't. It's hard. It's hard going past things that remind me of my Bestfriend. Cause it was most likely a good day. I'm still not over the fact that I lost Lauren. Or the many things my dad has done to me. I'm still not over the scarring days at the hospital. I remember those like it was yesterday. I really don't know how to do this. But I mean, I've done it before. This should be easy right?? I've lost Lauren. She was my Bestfriend for 10 years. Since the 2nd grade. And now, we're seniors in high school. How crazy is that? We still talk. We cheer together. But that's all we would ever say about each other. If someone came up and asked me if I knew her, I'd say yes, we cheer together. Little do they know there was so much more. They didn't know that Lauren was their throw thick and thin. She was there when I screamed at her and told her to leave me. She ran to my bus and wouldn't get off until I promised her that we would never leave each other. She fought hard for me. She sat there and saw me get beaten by my mother, and after she held me while I was hyperventilating in her arms. She was their when my parents got a divorce. When my dad was drunk. When my life started, and when my life felt like it was going to end. She was there. She was not replaceable... Until I met Lou. Lauren left me for a guy. I felt lost and lifeless. Went into a deep deep depression, that nobody could really get me out of, and til this day I don't know how I did it. I loved her more than I loved anybody or anything else. And I'm still not over it. It's been almost a year. I miss us yanno. Going to the drive ins. Calling her brother and his best friends lesbians. Talking for hours. Having movie days, literally all day. We had plans too. The fucket list, that was once Lauren and i's fucket list. But I ripped out the pages and restarted it with Lou. Because he caught me when Lauren pushed me. At one point we did fight to see each other. We fought for our friendship. He could of got fined for seeing me. But he didn't care. We still did it. We were badasses. We lied for each other. We did everything for each other, but the key word is did. Past tense. We don't do that anymore. We stopped fighting. We stopped caring. We stopped loving. We drifted. I saw a part to him that I never saw, and he saw a part of me that he never saw. I think we started to make each other unhappy. And that really sucks. For me anyway. I can't speak for him. I do miss us. I haven't seen him in exactly 1 week and 2 days. Last time we saw and talked to each other. Crazy. Fucking crazy. Cause at one point we couldn't go a day with out seeing each other. Everyday id see him. But it's done. The best of friends have disappeared. And now it's me. Just me. I have AJ, but I can't do this to myself again. It sucks. Loving someone so much and wanting them to just be in your life, but they don't want to anymore. Having someone be with you for two years but then suddenly not. It's like a death. You dream about it, how perfect the future will be. And you also have nightmare about what it's about to be. You won't get over it in a day. Not even two days. (If you were truly bestfriends) it might take months. You'll look through pictures and just cry. You'll remember everything you've been through cry. You'll paint things about them, you'll draw things about them. You'll listen to music that reminds you of them. And at one point, you'll laugh. That'll break the depression your going through. You'll laugh, not with them, not with yourself, but with someone else. And you'll continue to laugh. And the sound of the laughter will over come the horrible horrible thing your going through right now. I've been through it before. My first laugh was with Lou, and so was my last. I have yet to laugh again, but it will come eventually. I think I was a mistake to him. He's moving on to hopefully better things. I wish the best I do, because at one point I hope to say I knew him. I knew him well. And he was smart. Acts pretty dumb, but had a lot of smart things that helped me through, well, life. He was my savior at one point. And sometimes people only show up in your life to help you so much, then they leave and have you do it by yourself. I'll be okay. I know I will. Ready to take on my senior year. Alone. No help. I could get through this. I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
