I need to leave this state. I need to get out of this atmosphere. I need to go. And let go. Start over. Be someone I want to be, but am to afraid to be here. With people I think I love and care about. But those people will only be dust in my story of life. People change. Sometimes for the worst, and sometimes for the best. People grow. People act and feel differently sometimes. And sometimes what once worked before, will not work now. I'm afraid of losing somethings I love. But sometimes it's really only for the best. To help me become the person I want to be. To make me happy. Cause I'm not. I'm far from it. So last Friday I got accepted to California university of Pennsylvania. It's about 5-6 hours from where I live. And I'm going. And the one thing I'm scared about is Lou. Is it still gonna "work?" Does it even work now?? I don't know. My body is anxious right now. I'm just freaking out basically. Nothing's the same. I feel like a fucking kid compared to him and I hate it. I can't stand it. He treats me like a kid too. LIKE tells me what to do, or corrects me, or I don't fucking know. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I hate when he tells me I'm taking baby hits. Like I fucking know. I truthfully don't like to get too high. That's me. I know. I hate when he tells me I suck at something. I hate when he's grumpy. I hate that I can't hang out with him and his friends. Makes me feel that I'm "too young" too. I hate that he didn't want to be with me on New Years. I hate that he got all of he's friends something for Christmas, but the one thing he told me he would get for me that I wants, he didn't. I hate that he's always miserable with me, because it makes me feel like it's my fault. I hate that we argue. I hate that he won't tell me anything. Because I tell him everything, and it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. I hate when he goes out and doesn't tell me where, and I hate asking cause I don't want to be "that girl" who freaks out about it. I hate that we don't go out places together, like we used to when we were best friends. I hate that I see these girls on his Snapchat that he just recently snapped but doesn't tell me about it. Even if it's nothing. I just hate this. On November 22nd, he messaged me and said "I want you. I want us. I need you. I need us" and honestly, if he never said that at that time, I would have been done. The day before that I was being told to leave. Get out of it. It's bad. He doesn't care, he would have shown you by now. He doesn't need you. He doesn't want you. He just another boy. Go for Savior, and I almost did. I told lou I didn't know. He said please. I want another chance. We can't leave each other. So it made me think back. To what I actually went through with this kid. I watched him grow. As did he want me grow. I was 13 when I met him. I had brown hair, braces, I was in like 8th grade. Lou was 15. And he really hasn't changed much personally. But I kinda hated him at first. He was so obnoxious and annoying. But I started dating first, and Lou and first were best friends. I got to know him, and he became alright. We started talking more and he was the person I used to get advice from about malik. He used to try and help me I guess, and I used to help him with KP. And I felt nothing for this kid. He was literally my best friend. Malik and I broke up. And everyone one else kinda disappeared too. But Lou and I always kept in touch. Eventually I moved on to Spikes. And Lou also helped me with that. As I continues to help him with KP. Then there were rough patches, where I ran away and he tried helping me out with that. Where I went into a looney hospital and he kinda saved my life, by just talking to me for 2 minutes in the hospital over the phone. He probably doesn't know that, but it's true. It was the year I was diagnosed with depression. And yes it still affects me but no one really sees to notice. After that he still stood by me. And one day, at the courts we talked and said we liked each other more than friends. We walked down to his house just talking the whole way. And on that day I felt like I could fly. Honestly. He talked to me, he smiled and told me he loved me. He was so nervous to kiss me. I was so scared to kiss him. I didn't want to ruin this amazing friendship we had. But we did. And I hate that. I hate a lot. I hate how I don't feel like I'm anything to him. I want to feel needed. I want to feel something like I did the day we were telling each other our feelings and bullshit. Cause I felt happy that day. That's why I'm going 6 hours away, by myself the first year to be completely honest. I want to see if he really wants me. If he needs me. If he'll really move away with me, and start an actually life, together. Cause once we go, we can't go back. Like it's all or nothing. And I have my mind set that I'm leaving. I want to live in California. I want to be an architect. I want to have a beautiful home, and a beautiful husband who supports me and would do anything for me. I want a dog. I want 4 of them. I want to be happy and I need to try and support myself before I rely on someone else to help me. And that's why I'm leaving and going away. Cause I don't need anyone. I'm independent. And I can do it. Whether he wants to be in my dream and support me is his decision. But in 7 months, I'm gone.
