I don't know how you could know someone for so long and then drop them like its nothing. I just don't get it. I want to be that girl that is there for him 24/7. I want to be that girl who buys him a shirt he wanted, but didn't have the money at the time. (Shoutout to KP and Lou) I want to be that girl who sits on his lap when he's playing video games and then kiss him when he makes it past a level. I want to be that girl always. I want to be that girl who love him unconditionally and will never see him ask for anything. I would like to be that girl who lets him goes out and hangs on with his friends on weekends but weekdays he's mine. And occasionally I might understand him not hanging out on weekdays. I want to be that girl he holds car doors for. I want to be that girl he loves. Forever. And I don't have to ask for him to say I love you. I don't want him to love anyone else but me. I don't care if he talks to other girls. I could give less of a fuck, as long as I'm the one he truly wants. And I'm the one he's in love with. I'm the one. I'm worth it. I know I am. I can be. And I'm sorry if he doesn't see it. But why can't we be together? I don't know. But I do know is I can't wait forever. Trust me I want to but I have to move on. Somehow. I might not ever, but I'll find some guy who's crazy obsessed with me. I found that guy once, it was him. It was 'First'. He waited two years for me. He dated other people those two years but he always came back to me. I wish it could be like that, and it's not. I'm not going to sit here anymore and cry and feel bad for myself, because the person I'm in love with, isn't in love with me. He says he is, but I know he isn't. And I'm not going to push him to love me. I say I love you, and he'll send a laughing face. I don't care anymore. It hurt yea but it's okay. I'll keep forgiving him like I have the last 4 years. I should of realized the first very time he asked me out. He asked me to go to the dance with him and then the day of he told me he wanted to go with someone else. I should have known. I can't give him much anymore, every time I see him and we do stuff, it hurts me, cause he's using me. And I can't let myself get hurt like that, not if I could stop it. So im going to say I love you. And I know your not going to say it back, but I'm not giving you my body, not when yours isn't mine. I'm fully dedicated to him. 100%. And he might be dedicated to be 1% if I'm lucky. So this isn't goodbye, it's an, I'll be here when you come back. Come back to me for real. 4 years babes. I want more. I want more, and I want to explore your mind and your body and everything about you. I want the whole you. And maybe one day, I'll get it. But if not, I'm going to find someone like you. Maybe I could have a 4 years with them... And maybe I could walk on their toes and they could kiss my forehead (that was once his) maybe they could be the person to give me the hickeys I have to hide. Maybe theirs a person out there for me, and I was so close to finding him, but that person didn't love me. I'll hope I find this guy, but I know it'll never be the same, I'll always think it's his forehead, and his thigh, and his girl. But I'm not. I want to be his girl. I want to be his girlfriend. I want to be his world, like he is mine. Recently, somebody asked me to put a couple songs at the end because they like my style in writing so they might like my style in songs... It's not a bad idea. Honestly these song remind me of 'First'. Something he would sing to me or something we have as a song, or maybe just him in general. So listen!!
...MKTO- "wasted": i think this would be me singing to him, cause I legit fuck everything up.
...Ellie Goulding- love me like you do: this was the first and last song we slow danced to. And then midway through he told me he had to go talk to someone else and I told him no because I would be mad.
...Sam Smith- lay me down: he told me he was going to sing this at his birth moms funeral, I miss being that support for him.
