Me: He thinks he's second.... To you.
Orby: well he is not.
Me: Well literally that's all he's been talking about his how I tell you everything first and stuff and he said it hurts him.
Orby: You picked him over me.
Me: He thinks differently I guess. That's why we were fighting.
Orby: It's cool. Cal, I've tried to help you but it was never enough
Me: I'm just confused
Orby: on what.
Me: Believing him. Or believing you. Like I feel like I do tell you everything first but I pick Lou over you more. And I'm confused on him. He said "why do you think I wanna leave." But I don't know if that was a question or a statement. And that's what killed me the most. Because the slightest sign of him leaving me, I wanna leave him. Because then I could say it's my fault I left him. And instead of when he leaves me, I have to say exactly that. I was just another girl to him, he got annoyed and he left.
Orby: you left me.
Me: but I didn't. I'm still here.
Orby: you do. You choose him all the time.
Me: But that doesn't mean I left you. I wanted to see him this weekend because I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I've missed him. But you know how excited and how happy I was to see him, it kinda just wasn't how I wanted my weekend to go. We just kept fighting. And I was so upset when I was with him and he never saw it. I know you would. There's differences between you guys that I love. But he's my Bestfriend Orbz. We're just really starting to become close again.
Orby: I'm sick of getting neglected by you
Me: Not. I just needed to see him this weekend. Won't happen again.
Orby: cal
Me: yes?
Orby: you know I'm second
Me: idk
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There's a difference between love and in love. Love is a thing you say to your parents. I love you. Or your sister or brother or Bestfriend. In love is a feeling that you don't get with most. But you get with a few. Special cases of love I guess. And I'm in love with the little things. The smallest things he doesn't even realize he does. Sleeping and then waking up, looking at me, I wake up, we look at each other and we go back to bed with out a word. Or when he lays his head in my stomach. I was uncomfortable, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. Crying together. The jello fight where I don't think I've ever seen him laugh that hard ever. When he says he's about to spit some bars and it just sounds like shit. (Sometimes I'm not saying all times). When he actually says things he feels straight up. If he's hurt. Or mad or sad. I like the conversations. But one. I hated the look AJ had when she walked up to me and told me he was in the kitchen by himself with the lights off, crying. And he told AJ he's hurt. Aids was so drunk she really could do anything but I knew if she can she would. So I love them for that because they both got upset when we were upset. Lou and I that is. AJ said I had to go talk to him. And I just didn't want to. But she told me if I go in there and just sit next to him, and if he gets up and walks away, he left. But if he sat down and tried to talk, he'll stay. I walked in sat down, and he stated. For alittle. I wasn't really talking because I was so upset and I feel like if I talked id choke up. And I didn't wanna cry. I knew if I felt the first one, I wouldn't be able to breathe soon. But he just kept leaving. I didn't see him til almost 6. Then he left at 7ish and then didn't come back til 9. I just wanted Friday to be me and him. I didn't mind everyone being there, I wanted them there, but I also wanted Bestfriend there too. But the first 30 minutes I saw him. He tackled me. Then hit me with a stick then said hey I gtg. Bye. I said okay. And he left. And I was moody. He came back he didn't know, he still continued to say nothing and I told Aids I wanna leave. But not leave leave. But leave him. Because at that point u truly thought orby was right and he was going to leave me. And I was just an annoying girl. I wasn't sure what I was thinking but it was nothing good. I just hope everything's okay. I hope in his Bestfriend. I hope I'm number 1 in his eyes like he is in mine. (Even though he doesn't think so) I hope we still sleep next to each other every time I come over. I hope I still get his hugs once in a while and get the pep talks and get the I love yous and the peaces and I hope I still get to play with his hair and scratch his back and I hope I'm his Bestfriend. Cause I really don't know. And I'm scared to care for him when everyone else let me down. I hope he knows It's scary for me and im really sorry for being this way. I just want to talk because he said we needed too on Friday and we didn't. And I don't even know about or why. I just hate how we ended it and we have to now go 2 more weeks without each other again. I just don't wanna get excited and get my hopes up anymore. Cause they were crushed fast and hard. Lou, I need you to talk to me. Actually talk about everything.
