I lay here currently at 11:11pm. I can't sleep because he's on my mind. Always is. He says ive changed. He says it's pissing him off and I'm disgusting him. He says he'll treat me right when I realized what I've done. But guess what, I haven't changed. I'm still that person, she's just getting crushed by the dirt people are throwing on her, and if you don't save her, she'll suffocate. She's going to suffocate, and you'll be sorry. But sometimes people get buried alive, and maybe there's someone else who can find that girl before it's too late. And he's waiting for her to suffocate instead of helping. Which hurts. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell when my friend comes up to me and asked me if I was still dating him. I was never dating him. He's my bestfriend which is even harder to loose then a boyfriend. It hurts like hell when she said, oo good cause he's hanging out with M**** this weekend. Maybe we weren't dating. But I do like him. And maybe I can't be mad at him. But I can be mad at M****. M**** was a friend and I told her how I felt. But she doesn't listen. She's gonna go hang out with him. She's gonna go sneak around, and I know her well enough to know, she can't fall in love. She plays too many people. So when he gets hurt, he'll know how it fucking feels. He left me when my dad left me. My own fucking dad. Did I matter to him?? Is it that easy to let go of your child?? Or is it that easy to let go of me. My dad and him have a lot in common. They both never fought for me, like I wish they did. They both hurt the shit out of me and going through this alone is painful. I always had him. Always. And I don't think I matter to him. I don't think I ever have. I just think he felt bad. He's never posted anything about us on Instagram or snapchat, when I do of him all the time. He never talks to me in school, only on the weekends, or after school. He was embarrassed. I knew that. Maybe I was too... But I don't care what others think. After high school nobody says "remember high school.." Everyone says "remember in college..." And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to climb up this dirt and move on. Move on and find another best friend. Move on and find another boyfriend. And hopefully a new role model for a father. Since I can't look up to mine, as I used to. And to my other half, Meghan. I fucking love you. And I know I told you to leave me. Cause people always do it. Everyone I start to open up to, they leave. And I know I told you to leave, but please don't, cause I love you and I need someone right now and it's so hard not talking to him it's unreal. I need help. I need help. I need help. I can't keep everything inside like I've been doing, cause I'm going to explode. I'm going to burst in this grave people have been digging me. And knowing I do this to myself, makes me feel like I'm already 6 feet under. I'm always at the wrong place at the wrong time. For everyone who doesn't know Meghan, she's my best friend since 3rd grade. I'm now in 10th. And I can't live without her. If she dies, I die too. Ain't no choice. I'm failing almost all my classes, English especially. And I know what everyone's thinking. " wow English, but your a good writer." Thanks guys but I think too hard and I'm afraid someone will judge me, or I'm afraid to open up, so that's what I'm doing here. We recently had to write an apostrophe poem. Had to start with "O," and that's it. And for the first time ever, I opened up.
"O, my first love
There was nobody else above
But I don't know what I did wrong
And we lasted so damn long
was it somebody else
Or was it just myself
I know you never tried
I was there when your mom died
I just want the best
But I guess we needed a rest
I know our love was never true
And that's okay too
I know you love somebody new
And That's okay too.
That's okay too."
It's not about him. It's about another him. My on and off love. I care about him so much, to not care. He doesn't need me. He doesn't deserve me cause he's treated me like shit for 3 and a half years and I've never had the most fun, emotional, reckless 3 years with him. But I'm glad I spent it with him. But I need it to be over. I'm quitting. I'm quitting everything. For people who know me, you'll understand. And people who don't. I'll leave some suspicion. And I swear to god, if my best friend who called me disgusting cause I've 'changed', comes back. I wouldn't know what to say. I'm mad right now. Cause if he says I'm proud, I might slap him. Cause I did it. But I did it alone. With out his help, when I needed it. And he knew I needed him and he sat there. Doing nothing. Didn't even bother to say how are you. And that's who you know who your real friends are. I don't care how bad Meghan has changed, I would still help her, I would help anyone. I wouldn't leave cause I know out of all people what it's like to have someone you love walk out. My dad has done it twice. And him being able to walk out too like my dad, makes me think of him as my dad. A dick, and a careless, soulless bitch, who only could care about himself. I'm doing this alone. And I can do this alone. And most of all, I will do this alone.
