I haven't tales much. I haven't done anything much. I haven't talked to spikes. I haven't talked to first. I've lost them both. I haven't smoked either. I haven't seen/talked to my dad. And Sunday is tomorrow and also Father's Day. And I don't know if I should say happy Father's Day to him, he hasn't been much of a father. I used to talk a lot. And now I kinda just don't. Maybe because the only people I actually talk to is KP and Lou. And when I used to talk I'd expand and talk to 'first', and spikes, and smelly, and slutbag, and Sven. And now I lost my trust. I lost all trust for 'first'. Because he's obviously cheated and broke me so many times it was unreal. And spikes, I don't know what happened, we kind of just drifted. Which also broke me because I'm loosing a best friend and a father and a possibly first love at the same time. And I wish I had my best friend to be there. And he's just not. He knows what's happening, and we're both not jumping to save our friendship. Which made me feel unimportant. And u don't want a friend like that. Maybe in the future, but right now, I have no trust. I told Meghan to leave. Everyone was leaving at that time so it just mad since for my other, one and only, truly best friend, to leave. I texted her that, I went on my bus, and I saw her hop on my bus and she screamed at me. She yelled "wtf is your problem, if you think I'm leaving your fucking crazy. Clean yourself up. I'm not leaving." And I put my headphones in and blasted music til I went deaf. I went home and I tried to die. And I couldn't. I felt so low. And so alone that I tried to die. But the next pill I wanted to take, I thought of Meghan. She said she was here. She's the only person who physically came up to me and looked me in the eye and said I'm here. No matter how stupid I am. No matter how many times I take back 'first', she was there. And I know she will be. Spikes, not so much. 'First', not so much. Meghan was always there. She was there when my parents got a divorce. Or when I moved. Or when I fell 'in love' with blondie, spikes, and 'first.' She was there when I first smoked. She was there when I quit that shit. She was there when I drank. She was there when my dad left me for the second time. She was there for the first time too. She was always there. She was there when my truly first love died. My dog sassy. I got sassy when I was 4. On my birthday, my dad brought home a puppy. She was a black lab and I spent every second with that dog. We were always together. When I turned 6, and sassy was 2, she started acting funny. We found out someone poisoned her. Or she got into something poisonous. But honestly, we think our neighbors poisoned her. Sassy could run anymore. She could speak, or lick me. She survived for 2 more years after that. I remember her laying on my porch and I was in bed, and couldn't sleep because I wasn't sleeping with sassy. I went out to go see her and she had an IV in her. I laid down next to her and she licked my cheek. She hasn't licked anything since she was 2. My dad said she's going to get surgery and she might not make it. But my dog was strong. So I had faith. I went to school, while my dad took sassy to 'surgery', and I told everyone to pray to my dog. Because she's going into surgery and she needs the prayers. I got off the bus and my dad picked me up. I was really happy and I turn to look at him and I go "hows sassy" and he starts crying. It's the only time I've seen my dad cry. I knew then. Sassy wasn't strong. I was 8. Which means sassy was 4. She's only survived for 4 years, but it was the best 4 years of my life. She was MY first dog. My parents had a dog before that and her name was sedum autumn joy. After her, we named 'sassy', sassafras rose. They are both plants and start with an S. Recently over Christmas we got a dog. And they named him buddy. Which has nothing todo with plants or start with an S. So I call him spud. it's like plant budding from plants and it starts with an s. I learned a lot from sassy. 1.) it's hard to sleep alone at night. 2.) it's hard to let go of something you love. 3.) sometimes not everyone is so strong. And damn. Do I miss sassy.
