He sensed it. He sensed my sadness. But guess what I can't take his pity. I don't want it, and i certainly don't need it. "Do you ever just want to like hold everything in because you don't wanna burden people with your problems and don't want then to feel sorry for you but at the same time when no on else could see your depressed you just wanna yell to the world that you're upset." Yea me too. But what has the world ever done to you? Why do you wanna scream at the world when it hasn't done anything to you except make you live on it. I wanna yell at him. Yell at him for making me feel something. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I could leave him but I can't. I need to stay friends and he has to protect me when I'm hurt. But he can't know why I'm hurt, cause he's the reason why I am. I think I could be friends with him. Maybe I can move on. Maybe I can find my own path and go another way, and hopefully someone will understand me just as much as he does. Maybe someone will make me feel loved like he does. Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe I will think of someone else when I fall asleep for once. Maybe I'll day dream about someone else, and smirk because I'll think about them and not him. But maybes are not definites. Maybes are maybes. I want someone not to be able to use me. And someone to see the real me. Someone who wants to get to know me. And not my body. Someone who will look at me and do anything for me because they love me that much. Someone who will go to war with me and win or die trying. I deserve someone like that. I need someone like that. And I want someone like that. But until then. I'll stop and stare at my ex. And think if I made a bad decision. I will sit there and know that I can't go back to him. Cause I would look like a fool. I would sit and remember our memories. When he asked me to go to the dance with him in the 7th grade, but yet the day of he said he's rather go with someone else. The day he spit on me cause I wouldn't kiss him yet. Not because I didn't like him, but because I was afraid cause I never had my first kiss. But then on October 26th, 2012. He kissed me on the bus. And for three years we've been off and on. The first time we've had sex I don't remember the day, but I remember the memory it was yesterday. And now. April 27th, 2015. I can not go back. I would look pathetic to take him back. And I don't love him as much anymore. I care a ton. But I don't love him. Instead I love his bestfriend. The person I'm writing this whole thing about. Which is crazy, cause who knows if he's reading this right now. What if he is? What if people from my school are reading this? What if my mom is reading this? It doesn't matter. To my ex boyfriends best friend. If your reading this. I love you. And this is how I feel. And maybe your thinking damn, she's crazy. But I am crazy, and you should know this. I'm crazy. I'm crazy for you. I try so hard to walk away from whatever we have. A friendship. A relationship. A love/hate relationship. Whatever I maybe if tried walking away. Because I'm scared. I'm scared to fall for you. I'm scared to stay and wait for you, because what if you don't wait for me either and you do find love, with someone who loves you as much as me. It's scary. Your scary. And this is a scary world we live in. It's full of fear, and mistakes, and regrets. But I'm not afraid of you. I'm just afraid of you taking my heart. I'm not afraid of mistakes, I just hope not to make them with you. And I'm not afraid of regrets. I don't want to regret meeting you. To the people that are reading this that go to my school. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. Maybe you still think I'm hungover about my ex. But I'm not. I care for him. But nobody knows what he's done to me. But I've always taken him back. Why?? Because life is about giving second chances and making mistakes. And I haven't quite learned from them yet. And maybe you guys don't know about me and my exs best friends relationship. But it's a secret. Not because I want it to be, or he wants it to be. It's because his best friend wants it to be. And to my mom. You may be reading this and be like, this isn't a surprise. Or you maybe reading this and be like, I was wrong, go after him and don't give up. You may have mixed emotions right now, but doesn't everybody? I don't know what I'm feeling either. Angry? Yes because he doesn't feel the same. Sad? Yes because he does feel the same. Happy? Yes because he doesn't feel the same. Maybe I am happy were just friends. Maybe I'm sad because were just friends. And maybe I'm angry because were just friends. Maybe I have mixed emotions. If your unsure of anything, Just say maybe. Cause it's not a definite and it's not a promise. It's just a maybe. And maybe, 'maybe' means something.
