Only a few months. Only a few months I knew KP. And she has always been there. Always. Recently, Meghan got grounded so I've been home for the past week. I've been with orby a lot and her boyfriend, Jesse. And I call Jesse, dad and orby mom because I am their child for the past week, like I've been third wheeling with them hard core. But then I'm with Lou and KP I'm their child cause I third wheel with them. Recently KP called me two faced because I still have no idea why. I think it's because I said they would last longer to her. But I didn't mean that. I said if I called them cute on their Instagram, they would believe it and orby would be happy. And KP took it as last longer then her and Lou. And that definitely isn't true because orby and Jesse are off and on like every day, and they fight like crazy. Orbys a fuckgirl and Jesse is deeply in love . But orby tries to not be a fuckgirl, it just never works out in the end. Then she goes about me and firsts relationship. Like no. Nevermind. I almost died because of this boy. One more pill. I would have done it. I would have left this shitty life, and honestly I don't know how I feel about that. Should I just have kept those in me and died? Should I just take one more? I don't know. But I know I've changed. I haven't been talking much. It's like my throat is kind of just closing. I can't talk to someone about it. There going to ask what I'm feeling. And I'm going to say in love. Madly and deeply in love. More then anyone can know. Is love a form of depression? Or is depression a form of love? I don't know what to do. I sit here and I cry sometimes cause I don't know what I'm doing. I'll sit outside and stare at the sky for hours but I'll think of nothing but yet anything at all. I'm done. I'm done caring. If you don't like me, good I don't like you either. I've obviously changed. I can't help it. I'm changing. I want black hair and I want to wear only black dresses I want to have a gold shimmery eyeshadow but a dark red lip color. I want to come off like I don't care at all and I want to change. I want dark long nails and where boots all the time. I want to have a distinct contour and highlight and people to be like, I want her. I want to believe I'm worth it. And right now, I wear sweatpants and a t shirt, I have short colored nails and a weird contour, and an ugly highlight. I have a dollar store brand gold eyeshadow and a medium brown hair. And a nude lip color. Like I want to be different and I come off like I care about the world. And I do. But I'm done caring. I'm truly done. I hope my scars will go away and I could make new ones. I hope I could finally be happy with the love of my life. But I know it's just not going to happen. I hope for a lot, but hope is hope. You can't guarantee hope. It's just a wish. Like a wish you would make on a shooting star, that I have never seen. My grandma used to represent me as the moon. I don't know why, and my sister is a star. I want to ask her. Meghan and I have these matching necklaces and I have a moon and it says we dream together and she has a sun and it was we laugh together. I had it for a year now and I haven't taken it off yet. I think it makes me stronger cause I always have a part of my best friend with me. She makes the world feel okay, I really stay here for her. Because without her, I'd be nothing right now. I'd be dust. I'd be gone. And I would be 6 feet under with a small grave saying "here lies nothing" cause that's all I am. A nothing.
Am I wrong by nico&vinz.
Ain't worth the whiskey- cole Swindell
Elastic heart- sia
How to love- lil Wayne.
