It's hard ya know?? Loosing your Bestfriend. I saw him yesterday. I was with AJ, and Sven was there too. I walked out of the room with everyone. When I walked out all I thought was 'damn'. This is it. We didn't say bye. We didn't say hi. We didn't say anything. How crazy is that. From someone being the only person you talked to, to the person you say nothing too. It's insane. From being the only person who has never left your side, to the person who has. It's hard not talking to him. Not asking him how he's doing. And if he's dead or alive. I ask Sven if he's okay. And Sven just changes the subject and talks about AJ. And AJ thank you. I told her yesterday, I would have been dead if it wasn't for her. Honestly though. Who else do I have??? I have AJ. That's it. She's now the person I tell everything too. It's hard because as soon as I hear some news I open my messages right to "Lou." And start typing and I sigh. And remember I can't do that any more. And I slowly go to AJ, and type what I was about to say. There's a feeling in my stomach. It's like a rope, and someone tied it into a knot. It makes me not want to eat. It makes my stomach hurt, and eventually, I throw up if it gets that bad. I've never had that checked out, I don't think that's suppose to happen, but I don't want to know. It's more stress and another thing that wrong with me. Sometimes I just want to have a completely normal conversation with him. Like talk about pig and weed and Oregon. Oregon. We had plans to go there. I told my mom I wanted to go to college there so I could also have the college experience with my Bestfriend. But then I told my mom I wanted to go to a city. Because I don't know if his plans were go to Oregon soon, and I guess I need to leave him alone. That's probably the worst of it all. I think I'm going to Missouri. I got a 10,000$ scholarship there for cheer. That crazy right?? They want to come watch me. The head coach from Missouri is going to travel to my small town to watch me. When I never thought I was that good. I always thought my team was amazing. But me as an individual, I thought I was okay. They don't see me that way. Which makes me feel great. Someone actually wanting me in their school, and on their team so bad. Cheering has been a life saver. All the kids looked up to me, which made me stop doing what I was doing. Cutting. I didn't want them to see it. Or know what it was. I did it for them, and I tried to do it for Lou. It helped me loose 40 pounds and counting. From a size 8 to a size 00. It helped me gain confidence. By performing and winning a international competition and coming in 3rd out of 34 at worlds. It helped me gain strength, and to believe in myself and trust in my teammates. It helped me learn that no matter how many times you fall, you can't give up. Giving up means you let yourself down, and others too. So my mom asked me the other day if I wanted to cheer on college. I told her yes, and she cried. Because she knew I was good at it and it's the only thing I was really good at, because school was never my thing. But my last day first day of school is at the end of this month, and then I'm done. I start my life. My actual life. And I sure as hell will not work at my part time job I have here. I will not live with my mom, or around here. I will be on my own, and I've been waiting for this day. I'll be 18. I have opportunities that a lot of people don't. Scholarships. I have 3 right now. All from out of state, and it looks as if I'm not staying around here. So my last year in PA, I'm going to make it a good one with people who actually care and make my life thrilling. Adventures will begin.
