It's 10:18pm. I can't stop running water from down my eyes. And my eyes are so swollen I could barely see this screen. On May 3rd of this year, I thought I was strong enough to be in a relationship. And it would work out because this is my Bestfriend. We tell each other everything. We used to fix everything together. I miss him. I miss my best friend. Because he'd be here and hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay. And tell me that I'll get through it, and that I'm strong. And he'd motivate me. He wouldn't even let me cry. He's throw jello at me and make me laugh. Or he'd make me sneak out and stare at the stars with him, even though it would be cold. He had this love that no one else had. If someone had a gun pointed at him I'd not even think but to step in front. But now I'm laying on my blowing my nose into my shirt and keep sniffling. Trying to hold back tears. I was so strong with him. I wouldn't shed a tear for anyone. They didn't deserve them. And suddenly when you loose your other half years start to fall and no ones there to catch them. And technically, I left. Because I wouldn't be able to see him move on. Be with someone else. Care about someone else and not me. I thought having a title would just make it best friends for ever. That love each other. And have it exactly like friends but having no one come in between us. We've been through a lot, getting arrested (sorta), fighting for each other when my mom wouldn't let me see him, crying over Sven and Lauren. And the hospital. I remember it like the back of my head, I told orby to tell Lou I was going in the hospital, I couldn't call him the first two days but the third day, I didn't call anyone else. I spent all my quarters to talk to him for 5 minutes. And that's the first time he said I love you. I remember the 3 beeps warning me that I only had 15 seconds left, and he said "I miss you, you'll be okay. I love you" and I don't even think I had time to say it back. Being that hospital was the longest 4 days of my life because the only thing I wanted to do when I got out of there was see him. And I wish we still had that love. It disappeared. I wish everything worked out. We'd move to Oregon, and have a pet pig and a really big dog. And I'd be a writer and he'd be whatever he wanted to be. I wish relationships weren't so complicated. And I wish that I'll be okay alone. Cause the past two years I had major help. Lou told me he doesn't think that's he's my everything. Which is insane. Cause he was. He was a shoulder that I wish I could cry on rn. He was a person who gave me amazing advice and always got me to calm down. From bitching out orby, to hyperventilating over who knows what. He a hand to hold when times got rough, and he was the face I wanted to be with everyday. The person I wanted to be with everyday. I don't even know why. Why we grew apart or even how. We were so damn close. We use to never fight. I'm so afraid rn. I'm scared out of my mind to speak to him. Because it's just going to end up cracking and coming into tears. And I don't think he's ever seen me fully blown cry. I dropped him the other day, I drove away and AJ asked me if I wanted to talk, I got to the end of the street and bawled my eyes out. You know it's a horrible pain when you can't talk. You can't speak, all you want to do is go to sleep, because everyday with out your Bestfriend isn't even worth living. I lost motivation. I'm lost with out him. And I guess when I say people always leave me, I guess it's the opposite way around I leave them. For the better. I'm not a motivation to Lou anymore, I'm actually holding him back from doing other things. Meeting other girls and doing what he wants. I hope he's happy. But I can't stand by him and watch it. I fell. He was the only person I felt this with. Who knows if it was 'love' or whatever, but it was something where I'd get butterflies in my stomach and chills down my spine and a smirk. He was the only one who I actually enjoyed sleeping with. But I don't know what to do. How to fix this. If I can even fix this. I'm not gonna force someone to be in a relationship with me, if he doesnt want to that's okay. I wish the dam best for him. I don't know everything about you, even though I wish I did. But I know one thing. We've both had a pretty rough life growing up. And I feel like when I met you it got easier. You helped me. You took the spot of Lauren. And I never in a million years thought anyone could take that. But you did. I never thought I'd move on after First, but I did, to you. And you made me realize I've never loved him. Because I love you. I remember on May 2nd, you told me you would talk to me about us if I walked you all the way down to your house just to walk back up. You kept looking down wanting to tell me something but kept saying "too personal", eventually I got you to tell me and you said "honestly calli your going to be shocked but I love you, I would love to date you, but I don't want to change" I was scared to smile because I thought my cheeks would fall off. And I'd look retarded. The next day, we were laying in bed staring at each other and you lips were on mine, but you didn't kiss me. You pulled back and you had the smile. The smile where your cheeks came off and you turned around grabbed my fave and kissed me. And I felt right there. I loved you. It would be forever. And now I've never felt more confused. Did I mean anything? Why were you mean to me? Was it me? Where are you? The you I know. The one I love. The one I did everything with. I miss you Lou. I can't do this without you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this without you. I need you. I want you. I want to go on crazy adventures with you and who am I going to complete the fucket list with?? Im scared. Im hurt. And i can't loose my Bestfriend again. Cause I really don't want to find a new one. Cause they will never be you. And I love you.
