Feburary 28th, 2016
1:31 am
i miss you.
if you're reading this right now, i probably wanted you to read this. and i probably sent you this link. but there's a reason. You're either mad at me. or sad. or even just bored and we needed something to spark. So i'm writing this to you, lou. Its been almost 9 months since i wrote "to lou". a lot has changed since then. You and KP broke up. First and I broke up. You got an apartment. I don't know where i even live. You got a good job. I was in a hospital. You and sven stopped being friends. but are now friends again. You're at denny's right now. and i'm sitting at home writing this for you. its been one week exactly since ive last saw you.(probably now close to 2 if you're reading this now) Seems dramatic but its not when we once saw each other almost everyday. I have had 2 mental breakdowns. to the point where i lost control of myself and couldn't breathe. and i couldn't seem to tell you or anyone why it happened. but you told me to breathe. and i did. i slowly found my way back to myself and i could breathe again. i pulled myself together all because you just said one word. Breathe. you mean alot to me lou. a shit ton. Ive never actually loved someone this sorta way. Its not a boyfriend love. its not a best friend love. and its not a brother love. but its a love. Dont know what kind but youre something alright. I never saw you becoming my day 1. I always thought Lauren was gonna be mine. but she got knocked down. and I dont know if im your #1. but i sure hope to think im close. Were alot alike. We both really dont know our dads. We both lost our best friends. but then they came back. but the real question is, was it the same as how you left it? i know mines not. Lauren and i will never be as close as we were. She really hurt me. and i know Sven hurt you too. But everyone gets hurt. and i wish i could say if you left me tomorrow id be okay. and i might. but i know id change completely. Id probably be all sad and depressed as shit for months on end, but id get over it, cause i always do. If Lauren and I were friends for 10 years, and im okay now. Id be okay without you too. but i would much rather have you be around. because my life is better with you. but i just wanted to let you know. if i got too annoying or turned into someone i'm not, and you decide to leave. id be okay. cause people always leave. but you're the one person i hope you won't. because i'd miss you. it's been a week and i miss you like there's no end. and i have a funny feeling you miss me too. I miss your drunk face. or you're hungover face when you wake up in the morning. I miss your gross dirty work smell. I miss your hazel, and occasionally blue eyes. I miss your deep voice when you're serious, or your higher voice when you're saying something funny. I miss your pillow and blanket and i miss you. and now to think about it, we have never actually fought. sure you got mad that i threw jello at you or poured glitter in your bed or wed joke around and say mean things we dont actually mean. sure you get annoyed with me. and im sure sometimes you just dont wanna talk to me. but the only fight i remember getting into was when you were mad that i was talking to First again. but i understand your just looking out for me. and i truly appreciate it, cause everyone else said nothing about it. youre the only one who understands. So thank you. I hope your future comes with everything you ever wanted. and i hope im still in it. I hope we foster a pig. I hope we could have a Tucker the 2nd and own a house and live in Oregon and do what we love. I hope i get to write my whole life and i hope you find something you actually like to do. but that's all we have is hope as of right now. and if we dont make it, i hope we still have each other. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. you keep my life an adventure and a thrill. You've taught me alot. You're my mentor. My guide. My protector. and my lou. and i can't thank you enough for everything you've done. i love you.
yours truly,
Callesta.
