I need to get this out and i feel like i can't say this to you, and i wish i could say this in person but i can't. We stopped seeing each other, remember? AND I CAN'T BELIEVE the snapchat story. you want a lady but not a relationship. You don't want something real? like crazy to me. it's hard falling out of love yanno. especially if the love was one sided. cause everything i knew that i thought was true was not. fake perhaps. Crazy. I liked it better when you liked me and i liked you and we were both pussys and didnt say anything forever. i mean at least i didn't say shit. cause i knew this would happen. but i wanted to have faith yanno? i believed in you so much that we can do it and that i would prove myself wrong. but it didn't happen like that. instead and i can't stress this enough, people always leave. and that could mean a lot. maybe they didn't leave completely, maybe if you called them at 3am and said "i need your help" they'd be on their way, but people still leave.the people that you knew to be them was not. that person left them. the person you loved and the person you were happy with left. I miss that shit yanno? talking every damn day. making sure we were both okay. Sometimes my day would be shit and talking to you made it good. i wish nothing changed. i wish we were best friends. i wish i wasn't replaced. and believe me, you still aren't. but that sucks for me. "saving your place" having that hole there that does not complete my life. I drove by the courts. i wanted to park there. and just cry yanno. i remember all of us being there at one point. I was entertained by flowers while i watch my best friends shoot. i remember running their when i ran away, scared. hid. bawled my eyes out when the only person to tell me it was going to be okay was AJ. and hug me, and catch my tears. i was shaking. i didn't know who to call, or what to do, or how to do it. I called you. and you didn't answer. i called your best friend. he didn't answer, then i called your other friend and he was the one to say "ill call them, hold on" sounding concern. and helpful. damn i miss him. I also remember throwing up all day, and you told me to walk to the courts and i did. then you asked if i tasted like throw up. i smirked and said no and ya kissed me. I remember the day the feeling all came out. at the courts. and you kept breaking my cigs asking me how i felt and i couldn't tell you because i was afraid this was going to happen. Then i asked you to talk and threatened you with your vape. i was too scared to do anything with it, so you got it back pretty fast. and then you said let's go to my house. we were with first, sven and smelly. i need to be home at 9 and it was 8 and i said i'm just going to go home. then you said if i walked with you all the way down to your house you'd start talking. and you did. i could remember exact words that came from your mouth. ones that gave me butterflies. i never felt those before. ever. not with first. not with spikes. not with anyone. real ones. the ones that make you stop in your tracks and you toes curl up and your stomach drops and you get goosebumps. those are beautiful sometimes. i'm getting goosebumps rn just writing this. i believed those words at one point. i remember getting all the way down your road and checked the time. 8:30. i said i have to leave and i stood there rocking on my heels, to my toes. i turned slowly and started walking and you said "no hug?" i came back hugged you and started to walk back alone. looking back as you're walking away too. my phone was at 3% and i couldn't call anyone. so my mind was racing. the next day in school i couldn't concentrate. my mind was all on you. i saw you that next day, it became official. officially mine and officially yours. "fuck you" 'gross" turned into "fuck you" "no problem". hugs turned into kisses, and texting turned into sexting. and i didn't mind it. but then it turned into nothing. And now people that try and talk talk to me, i want nothing o do with them. Because i hate relationships. i hate that shit. the feeling of hurt after the fact. That nobody know me or knows how i am. and that they can't change that. with my best friend it was different. because i thought it was real. i talked to nobody else but him anyway. and nor did i really care too. it just pisses me off. why can't we talk like we used too. why can't you like me anymore. why can't we just be normal best friends again.not like sven and smelly. like me and you. we were different and better. god dammit. we were the shit. why can't i be lady friend again. because why? i just don't get it.
