I don't think anyone truly knows me. Not Lou. Not orby. Not my mom. Not my sister. No one. I don't think when I mention death in serious. I truly at the point feel so low, I want to die. I want to roll into a grave. I hate life. I hate it. I want a normal one. I want a dad who cares about me. And takes me to a father daughter dance. And I want a dad who hates all the boys I bring home. I want a dad who could teach me how to drive and teach me how to cook and say I love you every night before I fall asleep. I just want a dad. And I want a mom. I want a mom who's actually here. Who actually trust me to make my own decisions. I want someone who's here for me at all times. I want someone I could call a mom or call a dad and I could say I love them. I want that parent. But I don't have them. I have a friend. Who disappointed me a lot today. I needed a friend to cheer me up and make me laugh. Or just a friend who can be sad with me. Or say something to motivate me to not want to die. And I didn't have a Lou this time. Just answered and never replied. Maybe he was busy. I get it, but he never said it. And if he was I wouldn't be ruining his time by drowning him in my sorrow. I'm disappointed. And it made me think. A lot. But I'm not gonna share those thoughts right now cause that's the least of my worries. I had someone here though. I had Aids. She replied she encouraged me. She said more then she had too. She made up from the time she was too drunk too help. That's what made me feel decent. Sad but rad. And I want to say thanks. I go through these things once in a while. I say something sad. Sometimes it does get to the point where I can't breathe and I almost suffocate myself in my own tears. That's sad. I choke on my tears. Their salty and taste kinda weird but not gross. I hate being like this. I was so different a year or two ago. I used to have this laugh that everyone apparently loved. And it comes out once in a while but it's so rare. I used to scrunch my nose when I'm actually happy. That never happens. I used to be a person that none of my friends know. Only Lauren. I don't know if she's seen a change in me. Or if I've only seen a change in myself, but my life is just full of sadness with some positive moments. I won a jacket. In the 12 years I've been doing cheer, I won my first jacket at a international competition. Crazy. I had a smile on my face. With my nose scrunched in almost every picture. It was the first time I was happy. I cried tears. Tears of joy. And nobody realized what a big moment that was for me. I complain about cheer constantly. But the people I work with are the people who stop me from doing stupid stuff. Like harming myself. I would crush 15, 10 year old hearts. At least. They would be scared. If they saw me with cuts up and down my body, they'd ask questions and I can't tell a 10 year old I want to die. I love them. I live for the moments I spend with them, their so young. Their so passionate. And I remember that's how I was. And then I grew up. I got introduced to more people. And I liked them better then cheer. Better then my life. Better then the jacket I've been dreaming for since I was 4. Better then anything. I had friends who I thought cared about me. But all of them left. One of them dissapointed me, and the others I just started getting to know. I'm scared for my life that Lou will leave. I talked about it with him and all he says is "it hurts that you think that" but that's it. I sit here writing paragraphs and novels for him. I get a sentence and he expects me to just believe him. But how do I believe him, when so many people said the same exact thing. How can I believe him when I've been let down by everyone, and why is he different?? I've felt this love with Lauren before. But she left. She left after 10 years. Everyone leaves. It's only a matter of time. And tonight Lou wasn't here. He said nothing. He said he doesn't know what to say but at that point, I didn't care. It could have have been a word. A sentence. A paragraph or a novel. I just needed a friend. And he wasn't there this time. Aids was. This is why I'm scared. And this proves something. Leaving. Going. Not best friends but just friends. We're distancing ourselves I feel it. And I feel like we're gonna be so far gone were lost. When Lou told me lets get lost, this isn't what i pictured. I miss him, but I guess it's just best to keep a distance too.
