I miss you. Maybe I've said this before but I want to say it again. 4 years and I feel like throwing up cause I have a lost feeling in me. I always said I miss my dad or miss spikes but really, I miss first. I miss when I walk on his toes. I miss when he looks down at me and says something about my height, because I'm a head shorter. I miss when he says he hates me because I bite his lip... But in reality he really loves it. I miss when he kisses me really fast and I'll smile and giggle. I miss when he'll lick my face and I'll be all grossed out. I miss when he'll blow in my mouth and my cheeks will blow up and I'll laugh really hard. And right now I'm currently laughing and smiling and crying so hard while writing this. I miss going to sneak out to see him. I miss the 1am calls to say that I saw a duck or tell him something extremely personal. I miss holding his pinky, and his hand. I miss him kissing my neck and making weird faces at me. I miss us talking everyday and seeing each other everyday. I miss being happy. I miss his curls and how I'd play with them but then he'd get mad cause he says he doesn't like it. I miss him fake fighting with me and then lifting me up on his shoulder and carries me around. I miss every second. And if I had another chance I'd cherish those moments like I never had before. People tell me all the time that I deserve better, and I don't want better. He is better. I don't think I could love anyone else. He's talking to someone else. Which sucks and I'm completely destroyed by it. But if he loved me, we'd be together rn at this very moment and we're not. We're just not. And maybe we'll never be. So I'll either win or die trying. I want you to know I love you. With 4 years that went by, I fell in love. Deeply in love. I can't get out of it. And he did. He let go. And I can't do this. I don't want to do this without him. I was his first, for most things just not all. And he was my first. For everything. And I can't seem to let him go yet. But if it doesn't, I hope I could find someone like him. I've had people try with me, but I pushed them all away so hard, cause I don't want them. I want first. And I want him bad. I don't know what he did to me. Cause I've never felt so hated, so loved, so happy, and so depressed all at the same time. What did he do to me. What was his trick? And why hasn't he come back yet? Why hasn't he said he loved me too? Why? Is he not in love with me anymore? Has he truly moved on? I want answers. I want to know. I want him. I need him. And I love him.
