The last almost 4 months I've been dating Lou. He's still one of my Bestfriend and my boyfriend as of right now, but yet again, were still drifting. And the more we drift, the more we don't talk about random as shit like we used too, and the more we hid stuff from each other, I get closer and closer to AJ. AJ is my saver. If it wasn't for her, the only friend is have would be Lou. And if Lou and I fight and don't talk, I wouldn't have anyone else to talk too. AJ is different from most of my other past friends. She's a wild mind, like me. That's why we get along so well. We both do crazy stuff together, and then when it's time to get serious, we could. She's my go too. She gets happy when I get happy. She gets sad when I get sad. And a minute without her I feel lost. And she's my Bestfriend. She knows me well enough now to tell what I like and what I don't like. She knows when I'm starting to cry, and she'll offer to meet up to talk. And most of the time I get happy again because I know if I loose Lou, I'll still have AJ. And at one point, if I lost Lou, if have no one. Because also at one point, I only trusted Lou. But now he doesn't talk to me like he used too, he doesn't miss me like he used too. And we don't have that connection anymore. It makes me so upset to think about. Cause I love him. He was the one I spent all my quarters on in the hospital. Cause just hearing him speak and saying he missed me and loved me made me feel like I can get through this. He was the one to keep me on a steady path when things got tough. He was the one I could cry too and he's walk all the way to my house just to see me. And now, I don't know if any of that exists. The one thing I was afraid of when loosing first was that the 4 years we were together I would have to call a waste. And I really don't want that to happen with Lou. He was always there for me. He would call me sometimes just to talk. Or is call him. And we'd talk on the phone for hours. He's talk to me about personal stuff that I loved to hear. Because it made me feel closer to him. But now that we're in a relationship.. It changed. And I think we both know that. I don't want to end our relationship. Because I love his kisses. And cute things hell do honestly give me butterflies. And I'm not ready to give that up yet. And not do I want too. But if he does, I'll have AJ. And just like he helped me get over first. Told me I could do better, let me feel like I was actually someone. I know AJ will be the same way. And that's why I love her. Because she acts like Lou. Or the old Lou I used to know. If we break up again, I don't know what exactly how everything will work out. Cause I do want a relationship. A real one, like the way Lou makes me feel. And I know still seeing Lou and keeping friends with him will hold me back. Because I'll always still love him. Cause I'll always still be with him. I guess that's another reason I don't want to end this. Somedays it'll be great. Like being in the ocean together and lifting me over the waves. Other days would be horrible. And I get scared to talk to him. Because I don't want to get hurt at the things he may or may not say. We used to never argue. Never fight. We'd never get mad at each other. I don't get why now. I remember one day he told me he missed me being happy, and he didn't get to see it that day. And I feel like that's everyday with him. He's never happy, at least with me anyway. He's never my fun, crazy, stupid Bestfriend. I don't know what happened. I partially blame myself. Because I don't make him happy anymore. And I liked to think I once did. I'm terrified of losing him of course, but now my fear is breaking up. Because I still would want to kiss and him grab my thigh and play with my butt and do all the weird cute things we sometimes do now. But if we break up, I liked to think I deserve more then just a friends with benefits thing. I'm confused I don't know what to do. I don't want him unhappy, but I also don't myself unhappy. I thought he would be perfect because he knows me so well. We never fought before, and I just enjoyed being with him. I didn't think he would hurt me, because I was his best friend. I was there for him when Sven wasnt. I was always the one he's call to go do something with. I'm not that person anymore. Sven is. And that's okay, because he was his Bestfriend before I came along. But things change. It's crazy how this book got started over spikes, went to first, and then now to Lou. But Lou was always in it. He was always my Bestfriend in this blog/book thing. He never left. And it's crazy how I once though he would always stay in here. In this book. And now I'm doubting it. I don't know how he feels or what he wants, we don't talk about that stuff anymore. I don't want to end this book without my Bestfriend being in it. He's my Bestfriend before my boyfriend by far. But next chapter who knows. I'm confused. I'm sad. And I want to talk to my Bestfriend. My actual Bestfriend the one I knew at the beginning of this book. Where is he??? I want him to really talk to me. I'm scared dude. I need you. And I want you. And I just wish you knew how I felt right now. Lou, talk to me.
