i need to stop touching grass so much cuz my allergies are getting crazy istg
also i gotta let go of that habit of mine to write longish, teary stories cuz its starting to be disturbing even for me (◔‿◔)
i hope you enjoy this tho-
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Moon was bright tonight. You didn't learn it from gazing at the sky, though. You didn't feel like raising your eyes up so high and fight the usual wave of sadness that would wash through you each time you looked at the countless sparkling stars and endless forever still darkness. You were too tiered after your battle earlier that day to bother with existential crisis.
All you felt like doing now, was sinking into Xiao's arms, leaning and slightly - though quite desperately - pressing your body against his and from time to time looking up at his moonlit, birght face and trying to remember as many details as you could; How calm and firm his gaze was, how shadows sharpened his features, how soft his cheeks seemed, how his lips were delicately curved into a smile - it was all precious to you.
It was probably the first time the two of you were close enough to each other, and for long enough, to feel as if the warmth of another person's skin was like your own.
You danced to the echoes of music coming from the courtyard of Wangshu Inn.
Everything was quiet and peaceful.
It seemed so unreal to have the infinate starry sky above you, feel cool breeze brushing against your skin and hear people's vioces and laughter like through water. Everything was close enough to overwhelme but not close enough to touch you - life was just passing you by. It was almost as if you were suspended between reality and the realm of dreams, with no time - no past, no future - all you had to do was float through this moment.
'Xiao?' you spoke up quietly.
'Yes, y/n?' His hand gently and carefully stroked your hair as you swayed slowly.
'Do you remember the first time we met?' you asked looking up at him.
He frowned, and after a moment of thinking he nodded.
'Of course.' Xiao frowned again and his eyes wandered around, before locking yet again at you. 'It was here, wasn't it?'
'Yes.' You smiled. 'It feels like it was ages ago.'
Xiao sighed quietly, resting his forehead on your shoulder as your fingers drew stars around a little scar on the back of his neck.
'Perhaps' he whispered.
'You told me that I should stay away from you back then.'
Yaksha mumbeled something under his breath that sounded like a jiggered 'yes'.
You sighed and placed a kiss on the top of his head, as Xiao snuggled his face more into the curve between your neck and shoulder.
'So what happened to that?' you asked in a low voice.
For a moment he stayed silent but eventually, Xiao raised his head, so that you were now facing each other and with a little smile said:
'Well first of all, I don't think you ever planned to listen to me when it comes to this matter.'
You looked away, your face flushed.
'Can you blame me?'
Xiao sighed, reaching his hand to your cheek and caressing it, with his eyes still gazing into yours, with a comforting tenderness behind them.
'And second of all' he began slowly 'is that I'm selfish and I really, really want to believe that if you say that I can't hurt you, then I won't cause your pain.' He stopped for a long while, considering something in his mind but his eyes still fixed on you. It was a look of peculiar kind of sadness you feel only when you treat yourself with brutal honesty.
'I like to believe that it's true but I know all too well that it isn't' he continued finally 'My karmic debt has probably affected you severely by now and I know I should let you go and I know I'll never forgive myself for letting you stick around' he told you, carefully putting a strand of hair behind your ear 'but the truth is I'm a coward and I'm scared to be alone.'
'Me too' you said quietly.
'Hm?'
'I don't want to be alone' you repeated, staring him fiercly in the eyes. 'I'm scared of losing those I care about and I'm glad you're selfish, Xiao.'
He opened his mouth as if wanted to say something but then changed his mind. Xiao looked at you
You reached your hand to the fresh, bloody scar on his cheek. Violent memories of how it happened to be made you shiver but you didn't turn your gaze away.
Beside this one, there were so many others on his arms, chest, stomach, legs making his skin seemed like patched-up tapestry and you hated to think about the stories of suffering, cruelty and hopelessness behind each of them. You hated to think Xiao was fated for such life. You hated to think there was nothing you could do to take that burden of his shoulders.
It was strange, how pain and loss followed him and yet Xiao had a sweet and gentle side.
You looked at him and saw a bright face with maybe a little frightening gaze sometimes but you got to know his smiles, the crooked ones, the shy ones, the broad ones that appeared for no reason and that he tried hide covering his mouth with hands but his eyes always gave him away.
As you gazed into his eyes, gently brushing your thumb against his cheek and his hand was pressed to the top of yours, you suddenly got that peculiar, vague feeling. Of happiness perhaps or yearning that made your body ache or maybe it was sadness, that made you look at him the way you did. Your mind burnt with that strange sensation and you realized, then and there, that this is it.
You wouldn't say that you were in love, though. No. That'd be silly and cliché.
What you had, was more like feeling all the pieces fall into the right places and like blood rushing through veins of a cold body again after a long time.
A single tear ran down your cheek but before it could fall to the ground, Xiao gently brushed it away as you pressed your face to his hand with a quiet sigh.
He just smiled gently at you, as his palm slid down and evetually he wrapping his arm around your back and pulling you closer, letting you lean on him completely. Your hands were put around him and your head rested on his chest and you could feel it raising and falling with his each steady breath, accompanied by the sound his heartbeat, so much more familiar than yours own.
'I promise that you'll never have to be alone again' he whispered with a certainty of someone whose vows couldn't be broken even by death.
And you believed him.
