My venting book + Stories(?)

Personal Note

I just realized that more than half of the things I do are cringe. Like I'm oblivious to when people try to hit on me and my friends make fun of me for it. I'm also completely different than all of my friends. And I'm friends with three of the 'popular' girls but none of them like the things that I do. The only person that actually cared about me is my best friend since second grade. But now she's ditching me for someone that doesn't even think of her as a friend. I'm not like friends with them either but they said to me that they saw my best friend as a 'fake friend that just trauma dumps things that aren't even trauma'. But my best friend is honestly not like that, she can be so fun and go outside of her comfort zone and even goes to K-pop concerts. Sure she may bring up some drama or only focus on K-pop more than her friends or pretend that everything's fine even though everyone is telling her that it's not. I know that she has her own struggles because she is the oldest out of three kids and has to deal with her parents arguing and fighting. Anyways back to me, why does anyone actually like me. I'm not special but I'm certainly not normal. In my opinion, I'm a freak. I'm a lonely loser that dresses and acts weird which causes everyone around me to hate/bully me. Why would my so called 'friends' care about me if they didn't even care that I was actually about to quit school last year. I'm not joking, the bullying was so bad that I almost stopped going to school. But the school didn't care and did nothing. I was forced to live in pain and self hate because of all the awful things that were said to me. But nobody cared. My therapist doesn't even understand because no matter what I tell her she's always like, "It's because you believe them" and stuff like that but the only reason why I would believe them is because they say it so often. And it's not just people saying that I'm ugly, or weird, or a bitch (yes, I have been called a bitch multiple times in my life already) but people are trying to hurt me. People purposely push me around, steal my things, and someone even wrote on a sticky note that said such rude things about me. It was all most likely because of the way I dressed. My friends said I have a great personality and always so nice to others and how they can't see others hating me. But no matter what I do, I get hate. One time, it was this year (2022) and my best friend and I went to the public pool for Summer so I got my bathing suit and dived into the water. When I was in the lazy river, there was this group of teenage boys that looked to be around 8th-10th graders and they started sexualizing me. But right after they told me that I was too fat. They literally pointed at me and started laughing while staring that I was too fat. At the time I just gained confidence about my body weight and understood that my current weight at the time wasn't bad and after hearing that, I was about to have a full on mental breakdown. (I think at the time I was 114 pounds). They started comparing me to another girl that I have never heard of and that just made my confidence so much worse. If I'm not being hated/bullied, then I'm being sexualized. I can NOT get a break with people. It's because I wear 'all black' clothing that I get bullied. It's because I try to fit in and wear something that I don't even like or wear a bathing suit that I get sexualized. I can't be myself and I can't be someone I'm not. At this point I don't think I can live on Earth for the way I'm treated.

Anyways have a nice day/night :)