SKZ - oneshots (completed)

Jisung

⌦ 𝐽𝑖𝑠𝑢𝑛𝑔
⌦ 𝑡𝑤𝑠: 𝑑𝑟𝑢𝑔 𝑢𝑠𝑒, 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝑠𝑢𝑖𝑐𝑖𝑑𝑒, 𝐽𝑖𝑠𝑢𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡
⌦ 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠: 1391

***

He's lazing in a bathtub currently. His agitated brain is filling up with cotton candy clouds, as if he's flying up in the sky. He feels light, like a feather, but secure. He isn't actually going to fly away. He's too afraid to heights to even try. How funny.

Someone who wasn't afraid as much was Hyunjin. Though Hyunjin isn't among the living anymore. They'd been high together that night and having the time of their lives. Jisung remembers being so happy, like nothing else but them mattered.

As the night turned to dawn, they'd quietened down. Jisung had been too tired to function properly and has passed out somehow half on the couch and half on the floor. Apparently, Hyunjin had been in his head, standing on the balcony and looking at the city below him, several floors between him and the ground. No one knows what had happened exactly but his body had been found on the hard asphalt of the street right beneath their balcony. His skull had split in half and blood had been everywhere. Jisung still remembers the image. He doesn't know why he went to the hospital to say goodbye when he could've gone to the actual funeral.

The point is he misses Hyunjin. They were such good buddies. Until Hyunjin had left and left Jisung's heart cracked, almost like battered.

He takes another inhale of the little white stick in his hand and exhales. The smoke is floating in the air in different directions, slowly twirling around, like dancing.

The last time he's danced was with Minho. Then Minho left him too. Said he'd found another one. Someone who's prettier and more normal. Someone who isn't a pathetic addict. A junkie. A loser.

Minho was admirably calm when they talked. Unlike Jisung who'd broken down the next second after realising he isn't needed or wanted. After he realised he isn't loved anymore. Minho had his poker face on as he had asked for forgiveness and asked to stay as friends but Jisung was long gone from his right mind and had screamed at the other to get out. Lovely.

His heart broke just a little more.

The bathroom is dim. Fortunately, Jisung thinks, so he can't see how dirty and disgusting the cramped space is actually. The tiles are baby pink, the sink is slightly, superficially cracked and the shower curtain has red roses on it. Jisung's learned by heart and commited to memory every single detail about the room. It's all a result of lying in the bathtub, half naked and head in the clouds, for hours. Maybe even days. There isn't a clock in here and time doesn't matter. Time goes by quickly when your high as a kite. Jisung doesn't mind.

The last person who's shouted at him for being indifferent and irresponsible was Seungmin.

Seungmin was very considerate and caring. He was a sympathetic gentleman. Every teacher's pet and every student's friend. A true friend. Someone Jisung had been only fantasizing about until one day as they ran into each other in the school's hallway, his wish had come true. They became friends and Seungmin really helped Jisung with all his struggles, wether it was about school or with other stuff.

Back then, Jisung hadn't been doing as bad as he is doing now. But somehow, Seungmin couldn't stand it anymore. Seungmin was also a very dedicated student and the top of his classes. And one day, he'd snapped. He'd shouted at Jisung for how stupid he is and how he isn't helping Seungmin in his own issues and life. How Jisung is only a jinx in his life, an extra weight on his shoulders.

And then, Seungmin had left too. That day, Jisung couldn't have cared less about studying. He couldn't have cared less about future. He dropped out of the university. He can't say he regrets it. He wants to live in a moment, even with the more and more broken heart.

His legs kick back and fort as they hang from the edge of the tub. His heart beats and it feels like it's trying to force its way out of chest. He only has grey sweatpants on. Although the apartment has been freezing cold for the past few weks, he's been sweating a lot. And the cold doesn't bother him anyway. It can't hurt him.

He likes to think about his past and wonder, how his past friends and lovers are doing right now. Where they might be, what might they be doing and who might they be with. And then he thinks about his own present life. How it could've gone better but there's nothing he can do now. Just live in the moment and hope for a somewhat good future. No, he doesn't hope for anything. He doesn't expect anything. He's ready for everything.

He inhales the last amount of smoke and throws the butt into the tub. There's a pond of cool, gray ish water in the bottom of the tub. It soaks through Jisung's pants as well. He couldn't care less.

He climbs his way off of the tub and stretches. His mind is clearing now. Like a clear sky after a rain storm, all the dark clouds disappearing. His head is lacking thoughts but he feels bright. He can't help the small, euphoric smile on his lips.

He makes his way out of the bathroom and into the hallway. He heads to his own room. It's as messy as before and he isn't planning on cleaning any time soon. He makes his way to the dresser in the corner of the room and goes through its drawers for a while until he finds what he was looking for. His old diary.

He doesn't own much special or momentous things but if he was to name one, it'd be this diary. It seals in all the real physical memories Jisung has. At least, he doesn't have to break his brain by trying to remember every single detail. And he's sort of scared of waking up one day only to have a blank mind. No thoughts, no nothing. At least he has something physical to treasure. Something that won't fade away.

The diary has scruffy writings, doodles, song lyrics and pictures in it. A part of him wants to forget about it and to let go of it. But a part of him also seeks for memories. He seeks for the comfort the memories provide as well as the sentimentality and melancholy.

And this significant part of him doesn't want to move on so he holds onto that part of himself. Going on is hard and he's not willing to even try. Present is all he has and it's a result of the past. And this present also builds the future.

He turns the pages with a smile on his face that he can't seem to erase.

Even the book full of traces of his past friends and past lovers, he can't help the smile becoming just a bit wider by each page. But the smile has a nuance of melancholy, sadness and longing in it as well. Of course, he misses them. He misses the genuine, fun imes. The laughter, the tears, the stories they used to share just to have their story to end. And all that was left in the end was Jisung and these memories.

They're dear to him. They're his everything. And the way he touches the covers and the pages is delicate and gentle. He can't break it or do damage. It'd be breaking his heart completely.

Everyone leaves and will always leave. And in the end, Jisung knows, he'll be left all alone. In the end, there'll be no one by his side. And his attachment issues don't help him getting over one thing and moving on to the next one.

His heart can't seem to break any further than it is now. It's broken in so many unidentified and tiny pieces that there's no hope. There's no choice but to live day by day. Or night by night. He isn't sure if the darkness outside is morning, evening or night.

At least he's still here. Irremediably broken but still here.