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A line after a line. His skin loses its colors. He's cold. He shivers, getting goosebumps. It hurts. But he has to go on. He has this itch under his skin and the only way to let it out is to do this. So he cuts and cuts. Just a tiny bit deeper with every passing moment. He needs to see more blood. More of the red, crimson color. More pain.
His hands are shaking. His body is losing all its strength and he can't press the blade as deep into his skin as he'd like to. His body's shaking. With the coldness of the room and with each wave of helpless sounding sobs.
Maybe he's being his dramatic self again, losing control way too quickly and overthinking every little possible thing. Maybe he's being dumb and not even trying to collect the pieces and collect himself. He needs to get his shit together. He wish she would be here. She'd find even the tiniest bits from the darkest corners and put them back together for Hyunjin. Healing. But in reality, Hyunjin's just crumbling down.
Why does this always happen to him? One moment he's genuinely happy, chatting with friends and laughing so much it hurts. One moment he feels like he belongs, like he fits in. Like he isn't alone in this world and like there are people to whom he means something. His friends are nice and he likes them. Truly.
But then the next moment his laughter dies down. He feels the pressure on his chest, weighting down, suffocating him. He feels the familiar, uncomfortable itch creeping to him. He feels bad. Like a bad person. Ruining his friends' night like this. He feels like a bad friend. A bad person. A bad son.
Then, all of a sudden, they're all looking at him. He can't look back. So he just shakes his head and fakes a tight smile. It's the best he can do. He could just say he's okay, just brush it off and they could continue the night. He could just pretend he's okay. Like everything's okay. Like he doesn't feel broken. Like he doesn't feel alone. Like he doesn't feel the urge to rip his skin open. That's what he deserves.
What would she think? What would she feel? She'd wish Hyunjin to be a fucking responsible adult and not a pathetic child anymore. She'd want Hyunjin to be happy, living his life at fullest, spending time with loved ones and making memories. She wouldn't want him to break down at every possible moment. Crumbling down more and more.
He excused himself and got up quickly and shakily, almost falling over but getting himself into his room where he had broken down the next instant after the cloor closed behind him.
The tears break free from behind the dam and Hyunjin gasps for air. His chest hurts. His heart hurts. He hates the sticky wetness on his cheeks and neck. He hates how he feels. He hates crying. He hates being like this.
But something makes him wants to continue. To reach the end. To make this moment the end. To end this all. To end himself.
Gosh, he just wants her back. He wants to see her again. He wants to run to her and hide under her wing. To seek something he'd been missing all these years. To find himself again.
