SKZ - oneshots (completed)

Chanlix

⌦ 𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑙𝑖𝑥
⌦ 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑡𝑤𝑠, 𝐹𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑥 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑙𝑜𝑤 𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑚
⌦ 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠: 1321

***

Felix felt useless, pointless. Once again. This wasn't the first time and he was sure that this won't be his last either. He felt futile and vain, like he doesn't matter- like nothing matters. But does it really?

What does it matter if he wasn't here anymore? He had people by his side, he had friend- hell, he even had a boyfriend who is constantly and continually telling him how much he loved him and how much Felix meant to him. But those were only words, right? They were letters forming words and words forming sentences and all that could be meaningless. To Felix, it all felt meaningless, irrelevant and just... empty. His boyfriend has promised to Felix, many many times, so many things. He had promised to never leave him and to always love him. But promises are made to be broken, right?

Felix doesn't know what to believe anymore. He doesn't know what he should do right nw. Should he talk to someone? Talking usually helps, but to Felix, it felt useless right now. Who should he talk to? Maybe his friends or his boyfriend or his therapist who he hasn't seen nor talked to in months. He thought he could handle this alone, on his own, without any professional help, but oh boy was he wrong. One day things may seem ok but once the downhill starts, it's hard to slow down. And lately, things haven't been ok. Felix hasn't been ok.

And if Felix ever got himself to talk to someone, what should he say? Should he say how he feels and how he's been feeling? Should he say what he thinks about and what thoughts he's been thinking about? That one Felix does know: he's been thinking about those thoughts again. Those bad, evil, thoughts he decided to never think about again.

Felix felt like he failed. When one tries their best but still fails... it's the worst feeling ever. Felix knows that feeling way too well. He hates himself. He hates how he can't keep promises and how he can't bring himself to ask for help. He hates himself for being so helpless and hopeless. Sometimes he just wants to throw himself away or just hide away forever.

Sometimes he falls. Sometimes he drowns so deep- too deep inside his own thoughts that it's scary how far he can go. It's not his choice, though. It's not like he can control his mind and his thoughts in some way. He can't. And that's scary too. He can sit still in hours and just stare into space in front of him for hours until he snaps out of it. Those times always leave him feeling uncomfortable, anxious and scared. Felix was scared, and he hated that.

Even though the bad feelings and the bad thoughts have been beating him up mentally, he's been trying to keep as focused and concentrated as he possibly can because he doesn't want to cause a scene or anything. When he has people around him, he doesn't want to worry them or make them freaked out. He doesn't want to be a burden, because being a burden is Felix's most feared fear.

He doesn't like being seen as sad, lonely and blue, because being happy, vivid and yellow was his role and has always been. His friends and his boyfriend, and basically everyone, has always been telling him that it's ok to be sad sometimes, that it's ok to be down sometimes, but Felix can't wrap himself around that fact. He knows that he has people around him and he's not alone, but he can help but feel useless.

A few soft and gentle knocks on the door of his room snaps him out of his thoughts and never ending self-pity. He hums quietly and hopes he doesn't sound as weak and vulnerable as he thinks he does.

The door opens slowly, revealing his one and only boyfriend, Chan. Chan smiles softly at him as he steps inside the room and closes the door behind him gently.

Felix tries his best to smile back at his boyfriend, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes and is everything but a genuinely happy smile.

"Hey" Chan says softly as he makes his way to the younger, sitting down next to him on the unmade, messy bed. He keeps the distance and is careful.

"Hey..." the younger replies, but doesn't look at the older. Instead, he looks to the ground in front of him. Somehow, the blue carpet looks really interesting right now.

"You ok?" Chan asks, out of pure worry and concern. Felix curses under his breath. Of course Chan had noticed. The older always does. When Felix is a tiny bit quieter than usually or smiles a tiny bit less, the older always notices and always does something about it immediately. Chan has asked about giving the younger boy space, but Felix has told him that he doesn't need space. He just needs... Chan.

Felix thinks for a moment, thinking about what he should say. Should he lie and say that he's ok and just having a bad day... or should he just tell the truth and say what's been going on. Felix decides to tell the truth, though. After all, it's Chan who is sitting next to the younger right now. It's Chan who is asking him questions of pure care and pure love, and it's better for everyine if Chan is being told the truth. Chan just wants to help and Felix knows that Chan would never, ever, judge him.

"... no" Felix sighs. Usually he could feel something sting in his eyes and soon after something warm liquid flowing down his cheeks all the way down to his neck. But lately Felix hasn't been able to cry... he wants to, he really does, but he can't and that frustrates him. Everytime he feels like crying, but can't do it, he feels so tired, exhausted and worn... so broken, into a million, billion pieces and it would be impossible to fix.

So, right now, Felix just sighs again and turns to look at Chan. Eyes pleading, begging something desperately. Chan gets the message and opens his arms wide, inviting the younger and much smaller and more petite boy to crash into him. And Felix does just that.

He shifts closer and crashes into Chan and into the familiar and comfortable warmth, nuzzling the older's neck and hiding away from everything and evrryone else. This is Felix's favorite place to hide- to just be.

Chan then closes his arms around the younger, hugging him tight against his chest.

It feels nice. Felix likes moments like these. Felix has always been an affectionate person and hugs always make everything better.

"It will be ok, hm? Trust me..." Chan whispers quietly into the other boy's hair, one hand moving to caress and stroke his soft hair and the other rubbing his back gently.

Felix doesn't say anything. Just nods. He knows he doesn't have to do anything else- doesn't have to say anything. Chan understands. Chan always does.

Chan always tells Felix how loving and lovable the younger boy is. These moments always make the younger melt and feel good- make him feel like he's enough, like he's useful and valuable. And if Felix ever feels like he's taking too much people's time and space, like his problems are too much to people, he is totally wrong. Chan always says how he has time for Felix and how the younger never wastes space in his arms.

They're not perfect and things definitely aren't either, but in the end, what is? They may not be ok either, but because Chan said everything is going to be okay again soon, it will. Chan never lies, never breaks promises and never stops believing.