Regal [h.s]

Chapter Forty Three

"And if I may just take your breath away, I don't mind if there's not much to say"

♔ ♔ ♔

Amalia

I wasn't sure where my mind was taking me most nights, and I was often unsure of myself, but even more so now I had a little life growing inside of me. I was lost within myself, my mind wandering off to the darkest depths when it should've been getting excited and preparing for another beautiful baby to care for.

My brain wasn't working as it should have been, which gave Harry even more reason to seek out a therapist for me. I refused. I didn't feel comfortable sharing my life in that way, especially considering my trust with the media. It didn't feel right to share my secrets with a stranger.

Even more so now that I was carrying an even bigger secret than before.

It had been three days since we found out and Frankie is still the only person to know. We had come close to telling Cosy a few times, but every time I went to speak, I choked up and I couldn't do it.

We were going to have to tell Harry's mum at some point too, but I just wanted to try and get my head around it before we started announcing it to people. The more people that knew, the more chance there was of it getting out to the press and that was the last thing we wanted.

So we kept tight lips and it was eating me alive. Not only that, but it was gnawing at my bones, the fact that I just couldn't get excited. There was too much fear running around my blood for me to even stop and think about the positives.

I wanted this child, I just didn't want the anxiety attached with it. I wanted this to be a relaxing time but it was filled with nail biting worry.

I tried- I truly did try to get myself excited, I even got out Cosy's old scrapbook of pictures from when she was tiny, I got out some of her old baby clothes and laid them in my arms as if I was cradling a baby. I expected it to make my maternal instincts flourish, but it just didn't.

It was beginning to bother me more than I'd like to admit. Ever since I was young I wanted to be a mother, so why am I not buzzing with the news of a second baby girl? Why didn't I feel a connection with this baby?

I had turned to google in the early hours of this morning, desperately begging to know how to bond with my unborn child. It didn't seem to be much help, it was trying to tell me to respond to my baby's kicks, which my baby wasn't kicking, or at least I couldn't feel her kicking. It also told me to massage my bump, which again, I couldn't do.

It made me feel like my body was a failure. I was always taught that a woman's body was made to reproduce and though I've seemed to have accomplished that, my body isn't doing it in the right way. It could be a risky pregnancy with complications and all sorts. It wasn't going to be an easy ride. I had this baby inside of me but my body just didn't know how to handle it. It was quite literally the strangest feeling.