GROUNDING 🏈 Nick Bosa

#THIRTY THREE.

"So, you know we are playing Arizona in a few days, right?" He finally, says.

"Yes, I know." I reply.

"Can we talk about what happened. You know, between you and him?" He asks.

"The story between him and I isn't really all that special. I was sixteen when I moved in with them, we started experimenting with sex and I ended up pregnant. His family was extremely religious, and they kicked me out, they denied the fact the baby was his. They were just using me anyway, for money to fund his football career. I lost her sometime later, I went into very early labor, probably from the stress of everything. You basically know everything that happens after that."

"Were you in love with him?" He asks.

"I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him." I answer.

"Can you tell me about your baby?"

I face him, leaning my body and head against the couch. I bring my knees up and hug them to my chest. "That's something I don't like talking about." I tell him.

"Well, maybe you need to talk about it." He says.

"What you said..." I start to talk.

"—What I said was really fucked up and I would give anything to take it back, Liliana. Unfortunately, I can't, but I can learn... I'm willing to learn and grow." He replies, his brown eyes soften as he over looks my face.

I take a deep breath, feeling my mind becoming utterly unstable as I prepare myself to tell her story.

"I had her at 20 weeks, she was too little to survive.." I try to gulp down the lump in my throat.

"When she was born I was scared to even look at her face. I thought maybe she'd be deformed or even worst, that I might see my own reflection in something that was passing on, in something I didn't get to keep, in something that would never come home with me, ever again outside of my body.

I touched her little hands, they were soft and so, so little, so beautifully, little and I looked at her little fingernails, it's hard to comprehend how a human could have such tiny fingernails, but they were so perfectly, tiny and beautiful. Holding her little hand, felt unfair. I imagined holding that little hand, crossing the street, or walking her into her first day of school, or holding that little hand when she was afraid and needed me to be there for her. I wonder if she was afraid, I wonder if she knew she was dying, I hope she knew I was there for her. It kills me, I still lay awake at night thinking about those little, tiny hands.

And then I looked at her face, it wasn't like you'd think it would look. It was perfect, it was a perfect little face, with little eyebrows and long eyelashes, and the sweetest little lips. Once in a while she'd open those little, tiny eyes to look up at me like, she knew I was her mama and that she was my baby. She was alive during that moment, she was a perfect small human being, she was mine and no matter what anyone else says, she was absolutely perfect in every way.

No one can prepare you for that type of goodbye. So, if you want to leave me, do it. I'll be okay. I don't know how to properly love a man anyways, you should know that. I only knew her, I only knew how to love her. That's all I know anymore, okay?

Everything else comes simple, it's a distraction, it's an escape. I wish I knew what it was to be love in with a man, but ever since her. I can't. I feel like I'm completely dead on the inside, but before you say anything, I do want you to know, you have made me feel something. You have made me feel alive more than anyone else has recently. So, thank you for that, Nick."

We both wipe tears tears from our eyes when I finish speaking.

He quietly, breaths through stinging eyes. "I am so, fucking sorry, Liliana. I'm hurting for you, I can't imagine. You've been through so much. I don't understand how you're still standing. You are such an incredible person. You are so much stronger than I am, and I fucking hate myself for causing you more pain."

"I'm okay, now. I promise." I lie. Mostly, because I knew that I did far worst to him and he had no idea.

He reaches in to my face and touches it softly, I lean into his touch, enjoying feeling him against my skin. I don't know how we got to this point, but I was sure he was something I didn't want to lose. There wasn't anyone in my life before that I felt comfortable telling that story to, but somehow he made me feel safe.

"What about Trace?" He says, quietly.

"What about him?" I respond.

"How did he feel about the baby?"

"He didn't want her, or at least.. I don't think he did. He had a whole football career in front of him, he wasn't going to mess that up for some orphan, degenerate." I say.

"Fuck, Lili." He sighs. "My heart is breaking for you. He's an idiot."

"He was young, we both were." I tell him. It took me a long time to understand that, to understand where Trace was coming from and years of therapy and healing.

"I want you to know, I'm sorry about my dad, Lili." He answers, softly.

"When I told you I've dealt with worse, I really have, but your dad really is a close second, to be honest."

"I feel bad for even dragging you into all this."

"It's not your fault." I shamefully, say.

"It is my fault, I wish I would have known all this sooner." He replies.

"I should have told you." I quickly, responded.

"No, you are right. It was your story to tell, I shouldn't have pressured you."

"It's okay, Nick."

"Hey, and Lili, you would have made the most amazing mom. I'm very, sure of that." He says, looking at me seriously.

"Thank you." I cry. "I wasn't sure because I didn't really have role models, but all I knew was that I was going to love that baby, I was going to give her a better life, but life is cruel and I don't know if I deserve happiness, anymore."

"Out of every single human being on this planet, Lili. I think you out of all of them, deserve to be happy."

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