THE TRUTH OF US : Truth Known. (5)

This Was Important.

If I'd known this was going to be the last weekend Nate was going to visit....I would have wished it to last for ever.

Nate was getting so tall......He was at that stage where he had long legs, big feet......His voice was getting deeper, he still looked like a kid.....But, he had old eyes.

Eddie was showing him something on the computer......Some video about a sporting achievements, how to get that winning something.     It had a ball in it.

Every so often, they would try to get Audrey to look too.....But, she would shake her head (And hold up her book)

Nate and I were entering into a different friendship.......No doll or pet games (Boy-Girl interests)       He'd look at me, serious face (Eyes smiling)         He'd hook his fingers in my hand, not hold my hand (But, touch. Pull my hand close to him)       I'd have to sit beside him. He'd talk about some game he'd seen/hoped to play.....Or him and his friends had just had with another school.   

He'd be all terms/action re-play....Then, he'd grin at me.     Ask me if I understood?      I'd nod....Then, shake my head.   I got parts, didn't get a gesture....Then, discover he'd been talking about another sport!    But, I loved those chats.     Nate'd talk about random things, put sport into it.....But, wind the conversation to other topics.

We were good friends........We would hang out with the children of Audrey and Eddie's friends. We would do stuff with Audrey and Eddie........But, I loved Nate.

I was twelve.....But, I loved him. I wanted to marry him. I had it all worked out. Eddie would tell Liz, Nate should start living with him......He was getting older now.       Boys need their fathers in their coming teenage years.

Nate could live here. I guess, I'd be at Mum's.....So, I could visit. Then.....When we were old enough, we would marry. We could divide our time between Mum's place and Eddie's house. I felt so sure.....It all made sense.

I didn't want him going back to his mother. I'd kind of heard Eddie and Audrey talking, what they had been saying, didn't sound nice. They would talk to Nate.....He would get annoyed, the talks would never go well. Nate would throw himself on his bed afterwards.......I always got told to leave him for an hour or so.

I'd still sneak into his room........He'd let me sit on his bed beside him. We'd talk about running away. I'd miss Mum......But, Audrey could look out for her. They were good friends. I'd tell Lily when we got to where we needed to go. Nate said he'd ring his father, to let him know we were okay.....And, tell Eddie, not to look for us. We would send everyone post cards as we went place to place.

Nate would sit up........And I'd give him a hug.

I loved looking into his eyes. They were dark chocolate brown, he smelled of spearmint. He would smile at me......I liked his dimples.

(I think we both knew, running away wouldn't work.......We would be found, and we needed to go to school)

I looked over at him now......He was looking at his father, nodding.   Was glancing at Audrey, small grin dancing across his face. He was happy, talking.....Writing something down. Later we would all be going to the beach, meeting up with some friends......It was going to be a good night.

Two weeks later.......I never saw Nate again, till I was sixteen. And....Filled with teenage attitude.

Someone was going to pay.........Nate was ready.

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He walked up to me. Stood in front....I had my arms crossed. I looked up at him.   He looked me in the eye, then down at the floor, biting his bottom lip.

"......i'm sorry....."

"What?!......" I shook my head.

"Unbelievable. Bloody......Unbelievable!..."

"I told her to do it...."       Nate had a frowning look, but he could see my face. It was full of pain.

"......And, Eddie?!..."

"He would have thought it was best. At the time, I'm guessing..."

"...I can't look at you!..."    I could feel tears coming.

Nate sat down. He looked up at me.

"....i'm still sorry..."

I turned my back on him......."I'm not looking at you!..."

".....Well, I'll wait. Right here.."

I looked at the door, I would have to walk passed him to get to it. Shit!

The more I stood there......I couldn't stop thinking. The years I had wondered about him, I'd tried to like others. But, no one filled that space. The hole within me, that was for Nate. No one seemed to listen, look....Or answer me, other boys just seemed different. My thing for Josh died before it even started! But, I guess....It was never going to happen. Lily assured me, I was best without her brother.

"..He's ridiculous, Ruby. Trust me..." Lily should know.

I felt the tears on my cheeks......God dam it! Why, couldn't I just stick with one emotion.....And make them all pay!

I saw our reflections in the mirror on the wall, Nate was looking at me.....Waiting, a concerned look on his sweet face. His hands were resting in his lap. He really was waiting, like he knew what I would do next.

"......are you crying?....." I could hear the concern in his voice.

"Hell, no! Shut up!...." I wiped my cheeks, tried to quietly sniff (Had to blow my nose)....Cried a little more.

Nate stood up, and stood behind me.

"....Don't touch me!...." I crossed my arms a little tighter, I wanted my voice to sound angry......I was standings tall (My full height) But, my breathing was jumpy......And coming out all uneven, when I firmly spoke......My voice just sounded squeaky and small.

Nate closed the space between us, he put his arms around me, and held me......I was melting like an ice cream in the hot sun. He just kept holding me even more.

"........she died, and........yooou. Fuck!..." I was really crying now.

"...i know, i wasn't there...."

He turned me around, kept hugging me.

"...I'm here, now...."

We stayed like that for a while. Hugging and talking.......He didn't let me go till he was sure, I was fine.

He was in pieces.....But, coming together. I was whole....But, missing something.