HER JOURNAL

JULY 12, 2025

I was told, "Someone's pain is not yours to carry." I hope I knew that before it's too late. I'm not quite the nicest person you'll ever met but I'm certain, somehow my heart is not as cold and hard as what they perceived.

A confession..

I'm unhappy. Not a breaking news but one thing's breaking is that bloody red beating sht in my chest. I said, "Be careful." Look, it fell now it's broken. It fell once, I thought it's just it's nature. I picked up every pieces and glued it back together. I was busy holding someone's heart, careful not to drop it without realizing that mine keeps on slipping and breaking into tiny pieces. But I always stand up stronger, those tiny pieces, I'll bring them back together. "Your's fragile, I can't afford seeing it with a tiny crack, let me help you protect it," I said. Bllsht, when did I become a protector?

"You have problems, let me help you fix it." Now, I'm a repairman?

"I understand, I'm sorry I didn't know you're having a hard time, you can continue disrespecting me." I'm a fool, am I?

I just thought everything deserve lots of chances because nothing is perfect as it is. But enough is enough when nothing is left. Too late is too late when respect is at stake.

Speaking softly, understanding every misery, daydreaming about the future - living happily, taking note of does and don'ts, planning little surprises, writing letters, explaining endlessly, bending to reach a bit of unsure apology, begging God to take away the pain because I can't breathe - drowning on my own sea.

Getting ill of untold tragic story yet mind's still busy thinking and hoping life would bless that person merrily. Perhaps, I am my own enemy, I'd fill the room with storms and flood the entire city but I'll always save YOU - how I hate me. Despite this heavy feeling that I carry, I'd never let anyone carry these rocks on my shoulders because I know - I damn know it feels exhausting. No one can see but I'll choose to save someone than to save me. Because I know I'll be alright, God will be the one to save me, He's greater than anyone else, I don't need to worry.

However, this time it just doesn't feel right. God keeps on fixing me while I'm letting others break me over and over again. What if I hold my own heart instead? What if I care about my problems instead? What if this time I'll choose me? What if I stop hoping for someone to make me happy?

Yeah, call me selfish, self-centered and entitled. I'd rather be called weird and ugly than beg God every night to fix my heart and heal me. I'm never bending for crumbs and a bit of respect from someone that can't see me. I owe me an apology. I also want to be happy, if you please, this time it's not for you - it's for me..

I wish..

I pray..

God, my heart's mourning. Please, save me.

Rain