HER JOURNAL

September 26, 2025

I'm so scared.

Honestly, I feel so alone. I told myself, I'm used to it. But this time, it's different.

I used to rely to my parents, especially with emotional support. But lately, everything seems to fall apart. They act like they don't know how to deal with certain situations. They would often expect me to solve it for them. Even the most simple things that they used to do before – they seem to forget. I don't know if they're just teaching me to be independent but.. God, I can't now. It scares me watching them not knowing what to do. If they can't, then how can I? Who will save me this time?

Back then, I used to bounce back so quickly despite all the hardships life throws at me. Because I know that no matter what happen, I'm blessed to have a family that understands me and cares for me. I don't know what happened, I just woke up and I'm fumbling –  where have they gone?

The past days, I've been sleeping late like I'm having only 2-3 hours of sleep. I've been juggling schoolwork, life problems, and my mental health. My mother used to care so much about my health that she'll do everything to help me out with what I'm supposed to finish. But this time, I didn't know if she saw me on the verge of breaking down at 1 AM cutting those countless stickers for the pupils I'm observing – she didn't. I used to brag that my mother is the best because she always finds ways even in the most impossible situations. She's always true to her promises. She always wants what's best for me. But lately, she's complaining that I always rely everything on her. She forgets her promises too. She doesn't defend my name when I'm being misunderstood by others. I'm starting to feel like I'm a stranger in this house.

.. and I got sick. I was expecting that my mother would care to at least check on me, to make sure I've taken a medicine and have eaten on time. She watched me cry, breaking down because I'm too overwhelmed with my academic tasks. I felt scared, I didn't felt so alone, not like this. Where are the comforting words? Where is my mother that loves me most?

I was thinking, I just want to die. It's like I'm walking on fire desperately looking at the audience waiting for one of them, who's kind enough to save me — but no one dares. Do I have to take this step alone? Am I supposed to learn how to walk alone? I hope soon I'll be brave enough to take my first step without looking for someone to assist me.

I have high hopes. Still holding on to better things yet to come. But.. right now I'm still scared. I'm scared.

Rain