HER JOURNAL

AUGUST 25, 2025

"If you get on the wrong train, get off at the first stop. The longer you stay on, the more expensive the return trip will cost.”  – Japanese Proverb

Been captivated by the mystery of the untold. I didn’t know that curiosity plus hope is equal to pandemonium — unfold.  The view seems surreal, staying for a little more won’t hurt ‘coz I’m serving me something extraordinary, I thought. At first glance, I find it pretty. Second glance, I find it interesting. The more I look, the more I see things differently. Until the sky turned gray, now I’m a bit troubled.

Get off or stay? I’m starting to get intoxicated by the feeling the unfamiliar has owed me. Thinking I’m getting too far, worried about losing my way home, yet, I can’t move and take the right step. I just can’t get off ‘coz what if this is my new reality? What if it’s all part of their so-called “process”? Process of — I’m not certain what. I’m learning to adapt and was able to smile in this strangely novel place I’m dwelling. I’m still alive and striving, is this the kind of change worth risking?

Staring at the window, I’m beyond doubt that I’ve gotten far enough. Realizing I made the wrong decision but to be terror-stricken is not the right answer. Not anticipating my comeback anymore, just started to switch the plans and hoped I find eudaimonia to wherever this train will lead me. Thinking that returning is now a bad idea, I’ll deal with my wrong decision like a professional in the field.

The endless surreal beauty of places my eyes are feasting – seems to not impress me any longer. I appreciate its glorious bliss but there’s something in my system that keeps me unsettled. I didn’t dare delve beneath the surface to inspect what’s wrong. Until it woke me in the middle of the night - it’s lurking in the dark and creeping in my mind. Staring in front of the mirror unknown to the stranger I see, where is the woman that I used to be?

I wanted to come back home but I don’t know if it’s even possible. I cried like it’s the only thing I know – it’s not? I promised myself to get off at the next stop, it wasn’t easy. First, you must be ready to let go of learned bad habits, second, you need to pay for the ticket. Somehow, I was able to adopt the stillness of the sea knowing that I’m on my way home.  It’s only when I realize that everything new is pretty, but the old ones will always hold my solace in a bag of memories.

Going back home to myself is like catching the air and putting it in a jar. It’s already there – it’s just there, but I can’t see it nor feel it. I’ve been caught up with habits that I thought were harmless. To name a few; procrastination, envy, and carelessness are the worst. Procrastination is starting to take over but I bet it’s not going to win – not ever. Envy is the most disgusting, whenever I find myself longing for the life others have, I’d rather slap myself. Oh carelessness – I guess I need to understand the difference between fearless and careless.

I’m well aware that I’m about to lose my way home the moment I chose to stay on the train. The astonishing view became a band aid to the guilt I’ve kept deep within. But band aid will never stop the bleeding.  I guess, we’ve been on the same train once in our lives. It’s just, we need to choose if we’ll live on the new reality or always come back to who we are supposed to be. Whatever you choose, I hope you find the happiness the journey promised.

In my case, I’m choosing the view of the sunset by the river in my little sanctuary, the frivolous moonlight that always caught my eyes as I got out of the door and looked up. Is it silly to say, “I miss knowing what to do when this mess visits me”? I just don’t want to lose the virtuous little girl within me. The chaos of the world won’t change me into something that I am not. I may be far away from home but I’m not lost. It may cause a lot but I’m coming home. I’m on my way.

Rain