HER JOURNAL

SEPTEMBER 12, 2025

Shallow waters feel safe, thus, I dwelt there for a period of time. But every time I close my eyes, I still long for the depths of the ocean. The silence, the chills it brings up to my spine.

Sometimes, I'm thinking if I'm lost once more. Everytime I realized how I chose the pond over the sea. How I take more photos of the blue sky over the green trees. How I turn my back against poems just to face the forbidden misery. How I chose to explain my feelings directly rather than using analogy. I don't want to think I'm lost just because I'm walking on a different path. I also don't want to think that I changed.. if that change means I'm doomed to being unhappy.

Perhaps, I'm terrified to lose myself. I'm even skeptical of the changes I often notice. I'm scared of everything that I don't understand. Lately, I'm aiming to be better yet my actions are the complete opposite. It's a bit frustrating. Being well aware of the problem yet doing nothing to fix it. It's like I do not care anymore. I wonder if I'm numb after doing my best for the past years. Now, I just don't feel like giving my all. I'm not tired but I don't have the energy and the will to do what I'm supposed to do. I got addicted to wasting my time on nothing.

I don't need to prove that I know how to swim when I'm on shallow waters. My system is calm and my mind is at rest – now I know why I keep on choosing it. Diving back to the sea is nerve-wracking, but truly satisfying. The adrenaline rush, the cold sweaty hands and body shaking — core memories that shaped me as a person. But every time I need to choose between the two, my body automatically chooses the one that is easy to do.

I want to do better. But I guess, wanting is not enough. I just can't tell my mind to shut up and go, be productive instead of being a couch potato. I'm certain, awareness is not enough - I need to act. I need to choose which waters to swim and survive.

Rain