HER JOURNAL

JULY 26, 2025

I used to be pretty problematic, overthinking this, overthinking that - I wonder if my nickname's frantic. If I'll recall my whole existence, I'm certain that I've been sad all the way. Not just sad, but mad, scared, and worried. I can't blame myself for feeling that way, that's how I kept me safe. Hence, I grew up with a description of "quiet, serious, terrifying, yet weak." Judging what they see on the surface, people aren't interested to know me more - anyway, that is not my problem anymore. The point is, we become the product of our environment. When you're not yet wise enough to decode the tactics, you'll definitely stay on the same cycle.

But as we grow older, we become more aware of the world around us. Staying on the same environment but now with a wider perspective. You learned to act according to what you know is right and according to your own liking. You changed the routines and mundane days faded, it's like you figured out the cheat code and now you're able to restart your life - free and happy. It's like when your environment used to condition you to become sad and worried when a certain problem occurs but instead of self destruction and hating others which you always do - you learned to change your perspective, looking at problems as a challenge, being gentle to yourself, and trusting God to guide you. You'll know it when you finally break free from the influence of your environment, when you finally choose to do something you haven't done. You're not a product of your environment anymore, you're a product of your own thinking.

It's not being a rebel, right? I still value my culture, my values, and beliefs - everything that is rooted in my identity. What I removed is the negative approach I used to execute, the behavior that I was conditioned to do. But guess what? I don't need to be envious every time I see what they have which I can't afford. I realized that I can refrain from envy, I realized that I can smile and be happy. I was conditioned to keep quiet even if the one who's wrong is the authority. But the moment I break free, my lips would utter words that'll straighten a curve. I'll join the crowd screaming, "We'll never stop unless justice is served."

For the countless times I've said, problems are always there. Don't wait for it to disappear before deciding to be happy. When you don't like your life right now, look at how you react and deal with problems. Look at your routines and the way you perceive life. If you're happy doing the same thing for over 20 years, good for you. Your environment fed you healthily. But if you want a change, start changing your approach and reactions to everything that the universe is throwing at you.

I don't really know what happened to me, but one day I woke up and I just decided to be happy and not worry about anything because worrying is a sin. I'm fearless because I know God is always there for me.

Rain