Unintentional Subject - Book 1 In The Jessie Series

Chapter 9: Don't Pet my Peeves

I stayed huddled in the back corner of the Glade, squished into the corner of the wall. I couldn't get my breathing under control, it was coming in short stuttering gasps. My lips still felt like they were burning and tingly. I slid one of my knives out and pulled the leather bracelets off, I slid the sharp blade across my wrist a few times. The sharp sting helped clear my head, the sting gave something my body could focus on instead of the wild swirling thoughts in my head. I sat with the stinging with my head tipped back, and my eyelids clamped shut, the tears still slid down my face. making a mess of my eyeliner and mascara. I eventually cleaned the knife and slid it back into its holster, I also wrapped my wrist back up, I'd have to clean it up better later. 

It was a long time before I heard the snap of a branch. Panic arose in my tensed coiled muscles. I sniffed and tried to wipe the tears. I recognized the uneven footsteps. Newt appeared from the gloom. He deflated and I heard him sigh. 

"Jessie, you gave us a bloody heart attack." He said softly and slid down the wall and sat beside me, still giving me space. He didn't say anything else for a while. 

"Jessie-"

"I don't want to hear it. It was a mistake and I don't want to talk about it." 

"Was it a mistake though?"

"Yes. I don't get attached to people, Newt. I don't like getting help from others. I don't rely on other people and I sure as shuck don't want any kind of relationship." 

"That's a very lonely way to live life." 

"I had to learn to rely on myself at a young age." I sniffed, trying to hold the tears inside. We were toeing the line of my memories of the changing. 

"Again, that's a very lonely life to lead. You know we aren't here to leave you." 

"Yeah? Well I lost all my sisters in a mater of a night. Tell me again I wont loose people I care about. I won't ever see Sonya again!" My voice got caught in my throat. The stupid tears slid down my face. "Or Harriet! Or Leah or Jillian..." 

Newt was quiet, he looked down at his lap. 

"I'm sorry Jessie. I can't even imagine. But what I do know... is that you're here now. You have us to rely on. We're human and we'll make mistakes, but we won't do it on purpose. The guys here do care. I'm sure you have a rough past even before the Maze, but I'm here to help you now. I know what it's like to close people off and ignore everything, those dark thoughts, the self harm..." 

I looked at him sharply. 

"Please, Love. I'm not buggen' stupid." 

He pulled the leather bracelet he always wore up, reveling thin white scare lines. I stared at them for a moment and looked away, trying to wipe the black lines that made tracks down my face. I dropped my hands and pulled the leather straps off, and rolled my hand to it was wrist up. I don't know what was going on with me. I hardly opened up to the girls in my Maze, And I had been there two and a half years. I had been here a month and I was opening up to Newt, and apparently kissing others. I shook my head, I was crumbling and I hated it. Newt gingerly took my arm in his calloused large hands. He frowned.

"Oh Jessie." He said softly, I heard the sadness in his voice. He took a deep slow breath. "Jessie...I don't tell people this... only a few buggen' people know...but I feel like you need to hear this."

I was silent, I didn't look over. My head was leaning against the wall, the tears slowly slid down my cheeks. 

"I hated it here- still do- but I was awful. Moody, angry, mean-"

"You? Mean?" 

"Yes Love, I was not a kind person. I feel like there is a big hole, I know somethin' is bloody missing, I just have no idea what it is. It was all consuming, I felt like I was buggen' downing in the hate and bitterness, resentment. I tried to drown the feelings in self harm and all the alcohol I could consume. I closed myself off to everyone around me. It got worse, I got bloody worse. I was reckless, staying out later and later, not caring about anything. It was so bad that one day I couldn't handle it anymore.  I climbed the ivy and jumped. I wanted out Jessie."