Unintentional Subject - Book 1 In The Jessie Series

Chapter 29: I Love You

🔥🌶️ Spicy kissy scene🌶️🔥

I love him. 

I loved Minho. 

It bounced in my brain for a long time. My breathing shortened and became shallow. My hands became sweaty and numb. My entire body became flushed. I didn't know what to do. I sat stuck on the stool at the Map table. My hands were shaking. My mind and body were stuck. I couldn't get past "I loved him."  I wouldn't have been able to form a sentence if someone asked. I was stuck between horror and a happy giddiness. I knew carrying about anyone made it more dangerous, because when you loose it it hurts more. That's why I kept the walls up, so no one could get, but also so I couldn't get out. I had a cage around myself...to keep myself from the hurt and horrors of loosing what I held the most dear. 

My body slid off the stool and slid to the floor, onto my knees. I wrapped my arms around myself and let the tears fall. They came hot and heavy. Big tears rolled down my cheeks. What if I lost it? Lost him? Or Winston? Or Newt? Or Chuck? Those four were the ones I had let into the sanctuary of my heart. I couldn't loose them. I had already lost Harriet and Sonya. And that nearly killed me. What about these boys now? How could I protect myself from the heart ache? It already hurt and they were outside at the fire. 

My chest physically hurt. I was taking wild gasping breaths, but I wasn't getting any oxygen. My stomach was twisting and turning. The tears wouldn't stop. My body shook and shivered with the fear. I was going to loose them. All of them. Because I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to to love others and have them love me back, I was a monster who ripped loved ones apart. The sob escaped. The cry was let loose.  I was an unlovable monster.

I grabbed a knife and ripped the cuff off. I had already made a few cuts. 

You're a monster. An unlovable killer. You deserve nothing. Love is for those who deserve it.

With another cry I raised the now bloody knife. I spun it around so the point was towards me. My heart hurt. It hurt so much. I needed to make the pain stop. Stop forever. I couldn't keep doing this, pretending I was loveable. Bring the point closer to my chest I closed my eyes took a deep breath and-

I was tackled with a wild cry. The knife was knocked out of my hands and it skidded across the floor. With a wild sob the fight left, the anger left. I was done; I was empty and exhausted. I curled up covering my face and sobbed. Arms picked me up and pulled me into their chest. 

I knew who it was. He has saved me. He has saved me from myself over and over again. I turned and curled into him. He held me tight. He hadn't said anything. I felt his heart beating quickly. 

"I'm sorry!" I hiccupped. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" He asked quietly. "Why would you do that Jessie?"

I was quiet. How do I put this into words he would understand. 

"I'm a horrible unlovable monster. And...I'm...scared." I whispered. 

"Explain." 

His answers were short and curt, I couldn't tell what he was feeling or thinking. His voice was even, but his heart was racing. I knew he was trying hard to cover his fear or anger. Or both. 

"I don't..I don't know how to explain it."

"Try." He said rather harshly. 

I sat up, and got off his lap, turning my back to him. Keeping my ruined wrist to my chest. I herd him get up as well. He stood behind me. I felt his presence. I closed my eyes. Took a few slow breaths. Once I opened them I picked up the paper. I turned towards Minho. His eyes were narrowed, his jaw was clamped tight and I saw the jaw muscle flexing. His arms were crossed, ever muscle was tense. I held the paper out for him.