Unintentional Subject - Book 1 In The Jessie Series

Chapter 58: For your Eyes Only

⚠️Trigger Warning - Suiside ⚠️

I didn't sleep. I just sat staring at the wall. Winston and Newt came by and tried to talk. I gave them a very simple explanation of what happened in a dead quiet voice. Newt had brought me my journal and pencil, and gave me a pointed look.

"You come to me or Winston or Tes. I don't need you on the opposite bed. Ya?"

I just made some kind of noise in my throat as an answer. Newt got up and kissed the top of my head. Winston came by again, he sat beside me in a chair, he just sat, he didn't say anything, just held my hand. It was dark when I finally spoke again. My voice sounded broken and so quiet, even to myself.

"Why? Why would he do this Winnie?"

"I dunno Jay. Maybe it was the Creators, messing with him like they did with Alby. Maybe seeing all his hard work for the last three years burnt up."

"But...we know the maze. We know everything about it. Every turn and hall."

"I dunno. Honestly. But that's a lot of hard work and close to death moments to get those maps."

"Those weren't even the real maps that were burnt!"

"Wait...what?"

I didn't bother to look at him, I just nodded.

"Those weren't the maps. The real ones are hidden. Safe. After Gally's freak out in the council room...Newt and I pulled the maps and hid them."

"Well shuck me."

We lapsed into silence. Winston eventually fell asleep, his head leaning on the wall. I sat my eyes glued to Minho's face.

Teresa had said that he threw up most of everything, once Minho was down from the roof and in bed. After Teresa and Winston told Jeff and Clint what happened and gave a full report. Teresa said he had thrown up most of it. What was left in his system just needed to break down and he would be okay.

I didn't know what to think or feel now. I knew letting my walls down would be dangerous. I knew if I opened them up, exposing my heart and vulnerability I would get hurt. Keeping everyone at arms length was always easier, sure it was lonely, but it never hurt like this. My chest squeezed. It felt tight, like trying to breathe through a straw. I was angry and hurt and sad and guilty and worried all mixed together.

I didn't know how to feel or what to feel. I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees and placed my head into my hands and let the silent tears roll down my cheeks. My hands started to shack. I felt that itch, that need for metal on skin. Glancing at Winston to make sure he was sleeping, I got up from my chair and silently went to the shelf of medical supplies. I grabbed a scalpel, ripped the leather bracelet cuff off, and made thin lines across my wrist. The stinging pain made my hands stop shaking. The sudden sharpness helped clear my head. I suddenly dropped the scalpel like it burnt my hand.

"What are you doing?" I whispered to myself.

I grabbed some gauze and wrapped my arm and went back to my chair. With fresh tears of guilt now I grabbed my book and pencil and started to write.

This is the place that no one sees, I don't like to show it. This is the darkness over me, it's just the world I know. I can't stand it. Reaching for the light, reaching from inside. Help me tonight!

I'm closer to the edge tonight. I'm standing on the ledge, so why hold you, reach out your hand to save, to save me tonight. I'm damaged if you dare. Tonight, it feels like no one cares, so why? Can I come back for air?
Just save, just save me. What are you waiting for? Someone save me!