Unintentional Subject - Book 1 In The Jessie Series

Chapter 24: Baby Shank

I sat on the edge of the bed long after Minho fell asleep. My leg bounced, my hands felt numb and cold, yet they were sweating. The twisting in my stomach made me like throwing up. I sat with the teddy bear in my lap trying to control my breathing. 

I had told Minho everything, I told him everything I could remember of that mission, of those targets. I was never told why, just who. I told him about the girl and her teddy bear. I ended having a full blow anxiety attack in the middle of the Deadhead forest. It took Minho a long time to bring me back and calm me down. And right now I could feel the controlled panic at the surface. My knuckles were white, holding the stuffed bear. 

I couldn't be sure, however they had the same dark brown cork screw curls, same big doe brown eyes. I would never be able to forget that chubby little baby face. The Greenies baby face. I cursed and threw the bear across the room. I placed my head in my hands. 

Why are the Designers doing this to me?  Why send me the bear, why send the boy? Why?! What purpose does this all serve other than to watch me slowly fall apart? 

I got up. I had to see the kid. I quickly pulled on some leggings and grabbed the hood and mask I came into this maze with. I wore it every once in a while when I would sneak out at night and didn't want to be seen. I slid out of the door and crept down the hall to the front door, and out into the cool night air. It was actually refreshing. Sometimes I miss sleeping outside. Maybe I would make Minho come sleep in the tree house. 

I slipped across the dinning area, and slunk along the homestead to the boys weird slapped together sleeping area, where they have sleeping bags or hammocks and blankets. I stood silent in the shadows. The last time I snuck through the dark and stood in the shadows watching someone sleeping they were a target. It would be easy...these guys have no reason to fear. Well they fear me...but I wouldn't actually kill them. Dug maybe. 

I shook my head trying to rid myself of these intrusive thoughts. I took a slow inhale, trying to steady my heartbeat. And crept closer. The closer I got I heard the unmistakable sounds of someone trying to cry quietly. I froze. My eyes swept the area and landed on a small lump curled in a sleeping bag. 

Dammit. It's the kid. 

I was still, watching the lump in the shadows. I stepped to the side of the log lean-to, to see him better. He had his face squished into the pillow, trying hard not to be loud. Something inside me shifted, I felt it move. I'm surprised I didn't spark with the glitch that happened, or wake up the guys. I felt something for the kid. I felt sorry for him. He was a kid. I had done awful things, I deserved this jail punishment, but this was baby. He didn't deserve this, any of it. 

It's all my fault.  I did this to him. He's here because of me. 

I could feel the monster inside me trying to scratch it's way to the surface. I needed to do something. But what could I do? I'm no good with people. I'm not good with words of comfort, that's Newt's job. I felt guilt and shame trying to drown me. I turned and fled. Tears tried to fall. I slid back into my room, breathing hard. I saw the bear. Slowly walking to the corner where I had thrown it. Slowly picking it up. 

"You need a new home." I whispered.

I turned back around and left the room. Again I made my way through the shadows. I slid up the the sleeping area. The little lump was still quivering and sniffling. I silently stepped over and crouched down. I placed a hand over his mouth. His eyes shot open in panic, he flailed trying to get free, until he realized it was me and I wasn't trying to hurt him. I placed a finger to my lips. I slowly let go of his mouth. He slowly sat up, trying to wipe the tears away. 

"Jeeze Jessie! Do you always sneak around at night?"

"Yes." 

"Wait...really? Why?"