enchanted

30

The first thing i did this year was kiss his pouty pink lips.

Started off tasting something so good.

As i feel my lips getting tugged gently but aggressively by his teeth, it makes me forget i went over a week without seeing him being out of town.

This feels like a makeup for all the days i missed.

My body goes into an overload kissing him, it feels like i can feel everything he's feeling but somehow he's distracting me from even discovering his thoughts.

I know something's up with him today.

I feel i'm running out of breath, so i take my lips off his and let out a sigh of relief.

I grab his hips and look into his eyes, "You've been acting different today, all kiss no talk."

"Don't know what you're talking about." I notice a slight tense and he mumbles while speaking.

I adjust my hands to his cheeks and hold his face up, "Talk to me baby."

Instead he moves his head so i let go of him and he puts his face into my shoulder, holding onto me.

He doesn't usually give hugs.

I hold him for a minute but i think it would be good if he talked to me, so i want him to tell me what's been going through his mind today.

I rub my hands on his back for a moment and let go, he shoots his head up. He looks pretty drowsy.

"I can't tell you what's wrong unless i smoke something first because i'm too tired to stay up on my own."

I want to help him to smoke as little as possible.

"Let's try without the cigarette baby."

"Fine." He puts his head into my shoulder again.

"Lucas."

"Yes."

"You seemed off today, talk to me."

He's being difficult.

"First you need to tell me what seems off to you so i can explain."

"First of all, we've been seeing each other for like three months and i've never seen you smoke a cigarette. You looked so puffy and tired like you have just cried your eyes out before i saw you. You barely talked at all today and just wanted hugs which you usually don't want. You aren't acting like my Lucas."

He looks ashamed of himself, like a small child after getting yelled at by a parent.

"I'm sorry." He almost says it in a whisper, i'm pretty sure his voice was breaking but it might've just been my heart.

"Don't be sorry honey, just tell me what's the matter."

"I have anxiety, so sometimes i get these random attacks of anxiety or panic where if i'm not with someone to distract me i get really worried and nervous about everything." He breathes out and keeps going, "It usually only happens when i'm seriously worried about someone i... care about. Today, i didn't know your flight got delayed and i was scared you got hurt so i basically started panicking, i tried calling my older sister for a distraction but she didn't answer. I smoke cigarettes only in those kinds of situations, i thought maybe it would calm me down. I know it doesn't help but to me it does." He speaks those words so fast it's almost hard to catch them, but i got them all.

"Thank you for telling me."

"Are you disappointed in me?" His voice really cracks which i'd usually laugh at but it's more sad than funny.

"I am not disappointed in you."

I'm disappointed in myself knowing i was the cause of this.

Looking into his eyes i see a wave of glossiness and watery coats taking over them.

I take both of his hands and hold them both tightly, squeezing them three times.

And all of a sudden, he lets it all out. All of the emotions he's been hiding today release suddenly. His head falls into me again as i can hear the light sobs coming out of him.

I move my hands to his back and start lightly rubbing it as a form of comfort. I usually am not the best at comforting people but i can tell it means a lot to him that i'm here.

It takes him a while to cool down but eventually he does and he lifts his head.

"I want to go to bed, stay with me."

Nodding softly i get up and grab his hand as he follows me into his room, both of us getting ready for bed.

I hold him for a while to sleep and it reminds me of the first time we were laying here together.

His eyes shut heavier and his breathing gets a little louder, i'm pretty sure he's asleep.

I need to say it out loud.

I give him a few extra kisses on his cheek and lay down completely, making myself comfortable.

"If only I had the courage to tell you how much I love you, Lucas."