enchanted

58

The world is a cruel place thanks to some cruel people. Growing up, I was taught one thing the most. It's okay not to like someone, but you should love every person on earth regardless of who they are or what they've done to you. So for people who murder, ruin, rape, attack, they deserve love just as much as people who save, ask for consent, and forgive. You don't need to respect or like everyone, but love is something you should show to all.

I believe it, but sometimes it is hard to apply it into reality.

People test my patience, but some come from colder places, that's what keeps me going.

When Dean raped me, it didn't feel real. It felt like a nightmare, a stimulation, anything but the truth.

As much as it scares me to think about it, I forgive him. I wouldn't tell him that, but in my heart I feel no need to hold that grudge.

It was a cruel action, a twisted thing.

———

Lucas has a bad cough. He refuses to see a doctor. He said that he's just having a rough day and he will be fine. The cough sounds concerning, and it's been four days.

I'm at school, we are talking about the Civil War. It is last period. History is not difficult if you study. Just match the event with people and years, all memory. I told Lucas I would take him to the doctors after school, he really doesn't want to go.

The bell rings and I'm free. Freedom feels better when you don't have to take your boyfriend to a doctors office.

His last period should be geometry, which is on the other side of the school. I told him to meet me outside near the soccer field, that's where I park my car. We rode to school together today.

It's Monday, he fell asleep at my house last night. I like when that happens.

———

The doctor said it reminds her of a smoker cough. She prescribed medicine. I worry Lucas has been smoking too many cigarettes. He hasn't been having as many panic attacks, that's usually the only time he will light one. We had a conversation about it, i'd feel betrayed if he was smoking without telling me.

I lay awake tonight. I brought Lucas home. I love him so much, I am jumping to conclusions and stressing. The thought of loosing the love of my life to a sickness scares me. I love him and I like him, but sometimes I don't like the decisions he makes. It makes things so difficult.

I won't sleep tonight.

——-
Lucas

Sometimes I get scared I am losing myself.

Sometimes I lay awake struggling to breathe, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin like it doesn't feel right over my bones.

Sometimes I am scared that she doesn't really love me.

Sometimes I get scared that I don't love her the way I should.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I am better off finishing high school on my own. Without her.

I'm high when I shouldn't be and crying when I'm not sad. Doesn't really help my cough.

For some reason, my hand grabs my phone and calls her.

I can't tell if it's my fear or certainty doing what i'm about to do.

"Hello?" She says, "It's 1:00 am. Are you okay?"

I swallow, "We need to talk."