enchanted

47

I don't even know what to do with myself at this point.

Did I deserve that? Getting forced into something I never wanted to do? Now everything is broken and it's my fault.

He's not calling me every night like he's supposed to, he doesn't text me good morning like he should. And it's my fault.

It's my fault that i'm not spending my Friday night at his house like usual. And I won't fall asleep next to him and hold him while he holds me.

All I want to do is run to his house in the pouring rain and cry to him and tell him everything. But I fear it's too late and that he would never believe me.

I had always been told I had a heart of gold, so unbreakable and pure. Lucas has a heart of glass, and you need to hold it in both hands and wrap it up in your softest blanket. Mine being too bright and tough broke his by just touching it.

I try to feel tough, but I'm not. I'm trying to stay intact with everything. It all just goes back to him. It hurts so bad to be without him that I don't even think about the fact that I was raped by somebody that once meant something to me.

I need to call him before it's too late, but I can't.

I've had this weird dream this week. I'm sitting in a tank, an empty one. There's people all around me, walking and doing normal things like i'm not even there. It's everyone I've said I loved out loud, platonically and romantically. When the room around me gets more crowded, water slowly starts filling the tank. And I drown. And I hear an elevator beep and I hear him scream and then I hear a bang on the tank. I dream it every night ever since that Monday.

I wish that day never happened.

I said I'd never leave him. He said he would never leave me. We still haven't left each other.

I don't even realize I'm feeling my thoughts so deeply until I hear Lacy asking me why I'm crying.

I want to say nothing but then I want to tell her everything.

"Are you okay?" is all I hear.

I can't even fit out a response because I'm crying. I didn't even realize I was crying. I haven't cried yet about it. Crying makes me feel weak, so I rarely do it. But now I'm crying. And I can't stop. So I just shake my head in response.

"How about I get you water and you tell me what's going on."

I shrug and then I nod my head, if anyone can give me advice about this it's Lacy.

She leaves the room and comes back with the water and places it in my hand. I take it and drink a lot of it. I'm still crying but not as bad as I was when she came in here.

"Is it Lucas?" It's like she knew automatically.

I nod my head and she tenses. I'm not crying to the point where I can't speak anymore.

She sighs, "What did he do?"

I shake my head, it's not his fault and it makes me feel terrible.

"He didn't do anything?"

I shake my head no.

"So you did something?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and nod my head yes.

"What did you do? Tell me everything."

"Remember yesterday when you went out with Presley for food or something?" She nods as a response, "Dean knocked on the door and he..."

"He what?"

I shake my head, I can't say it out loud. I thought I could but I can't.

"Did he touch you? Sexually?"

I nod my head yes, "Lucas walked in and I haven't spoken to him since that day, he probably hates me."

"He probably thinks you're cheating on him, you need to talk it out."

"I can't do it, not out loud."

"Write to him."