enchanted

44

We haven't spoken. Not since that Monday. It's Thursday now. It hasn't been long but it's felt like forever.

I fear that there is truly nothing left for me.

I had always longed for a true, real love.

It was something only you could make me feel.

In the deepest pits of my mind, I've always been alone. In the happiest parts I was with you.

How could I not fear that this was closure?

What if you don't trust me enough to know the true story?

What if now i'm forever alone?

I'll never fall out of love with you. I could feel distractions and I could stare into another boys eyes. But nothing would ever give me that feeling that you did. Nothing will ever compare to the gold at the end of the rainbow. I didn't think there would be an end of the rainbow. I didn't think that the dreams I had of us walking down in isle in classical clothes would never truly occur.

Life truly never satisfies.

No matter how hard I tried, I could never read you. You have anxiety but you hide it so well. How many times have you felt anxious and I've never noticed it? How many times?

I fear that i'll never be able to ask you that question, maybe in another life if such a thing existed.

There were so many things we had never did, so many moments we never got to share. So many memories that only exist in the scenarios of my embarrassing mind.

Love is embarrassing.

Love is a tragedy.

Love is not like the movies.

Love is the thunder.

Love is the part of the best day ever that makes something the worst day. Even if that love was the reason you could call yourself happy. Truly I could never be happy.

Forever I will have to live life alone.

If you don't want me, I'll never move on. Even if you crushed me and hurt me and forced me to do something I didn't want to do.

I want you to knock on my door and ask if we can talk. And it hurts that I know you're going to suffer in silence. It hurts that you might have put that smoke stick in your lips on replacement of mine. It hurts that I'll never know what went on in your mind these past few days.

It kills me. The agony of my life getting taken away from me. I'm easy to become pleased, and the second i'm satisfied the world takes bits and pieces from me. Over, and over, and over again. I will never be happy.

I will never be able to sit at home in anticipation for you to come back with a child, and then talk to me about your day as well as that child. I'll never be able to wonder what it's like the be happy, because every time I feel something it gets to be too much. I'm afraid i'll become numb without you.

If you don't come back, I don't even need to be here. There's nothing left for me.

Why did he rape me? Why can't I be strong enough to call you? Why did I have to fall so fast and kiss you in the rain and throw your cigarettes away and wear your clothes and sleep in your bed?

Why did I ever tell you I love you? Why did you ever gain the power to know my feelings? Why do I even try? Why does every drop of joy melt into sadness?

So pathetic.

So stupid.

So naive.

And it's all my fault because I wasn't strong.

It's all my fault because I don't have it in me to just say i'm sorry.

It's all my fault because I fell in love with you as a sixteen year old girl in high school. Why do I do these things? Why am I the reason for every inconvenience?

Next time I find myself in the depths of the ocean, I won't fight to stay breathing if you aren't waiting for me at that shore.

I won't even think about staying above water.

But even if it were my darkest day, I'd still be there for you.

Even if you never come back. And even if you tell me you don't want me and you move on, I'll still love you.

I pour my heart out here and put it in the box of letters i've written you. This is the only sad one. The one i'll never give you.

I'll love you forever. One day I hope to make your last name mine.

Why do I overthink and do stupid things?

That's what happens when you allow yourself to love somebody, it's pathetic almost.