enchanted

52

There's something about particular silences that just aren't awkward or uncomfortable.

The kinds of quiet moments where you don't speak solely because you do not have to, you just feel what is happening and feel no need to discuss.

It took me a moment to realize the worry on his face, and where I was.

As I opened my eyes, I saw him sitting beside me and my surroundings were taken up by a hospital room.

I remember the past being terrifying. I was not with the man I love, but the boy I claim that I used to love. He was making love to me without my permission, and Lucas was watching.

The look on Lucas's face when I woke showed me that it wasn't a dream, and that he knew what Dean has done.

He exchanged looks and touches of sympathy and love, but something in his eyes looked angry. Like they had hurt for someone.

———

The car ride home was silent.

His palm remained on my leg, and he had that tense, stern look on his face.

I would ask him what his problem is, but there is clearly tension that lays through the past week between the two of us.

An unreasonable sort of torture happened to me and I'm sure he blames himself for it, because he probably thinks there's something he could have done to stop it.

There's nothing he could have done.

Luckily the ride home was short, and he drove me to my house.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" he says, almost in a shy tone.

"That depends on if you actually want to."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You seem like you'd rather be anywhere besides here."

He takes a deep breath out and unbuckles his seatbelt, quickly getting out of the car so he can open the door on my side.

I get out of the car and follow him to the front door and unlock it, nobody is home right now.

His hand is softly on my hip.

I missed him so bad.

I go towards my room hoping he follows me, but he still feels so tense and upset.

Once I sit on my bed, he hesitates to follow me on it. I use my hand to slap my mattress hinting at him to sit with me.

He sits with me and rests his head over my shoulder. I look over at him and still see that upsetting face.

"You really seem upset."

"I'm not upset, just tired."

I'll jump in mud wearing my best clothes before believing that.

———
Lucas

I didn't realize my body would freeze the way it did when I walked into her house.

My brain flashed with the memory of what he's been happening lately, me walking in her room and seeing her getting raped.

The most upsetting part about it is that I was so mad about the situation that I didn't realize how scared she probably looked.

"I'm sorry I didn't do anything about it." I knew it was the last thing she wanted to hear, but I felt really bad.

"It had nothing to do with you, it's okay."

"And that's the problem! I could have seen the fear in your face but I was only thinking about myself and I really thought you were cheating on me! You should be mad at me for not automatically being able to tell!"

She sighs, "I wasn't expecting you to fix anything, you got nervous and your anxiety decided to take the lead and you couldn't control anything."

"My anxiety isn't an excuse."

"It's a reason."

I take my head off her shoulder and sit up straight, "I wish you could at least let me blame myself for this, because it's gonna kill me living with the fact that this happened and I couldn't help you."

I flinch for a moment when I feel her touch on my body, her arms wrap around me for a hug. I allow myself to not be so stiff and fall into her while she holds me.

I should be the one holding her.

I just went off at her about her trauma and she's comforting me.

I'll never understand why she chooses to love me the way that she does.

We fall into a comfortable silence. There's nothing to say out loud, but there is no reason to speak.

Just feeling her arms around me for the first time in what feels like forever brings me the comfort that I know I'll never deserve.