enchanted

59

Usually when someone tells you "We need to talk", it's not good.

When Lucas called my phone at 1:00 in the morning, he said those words.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I say. It's windy outside tonight, I feel the cold air through my window and on my bed.

"I think we should break up," He responds, and my heart drops so far that it's ready to fall out.

"I'm going over there."

"No-"

"I've done nothing to deserve a breakup, so I'm not accepting one on the phone." I hang up and grab the shoes by my bed. As quietly as possible I make my way through the tiny hallway, to my keys, out the door, and to the car. I don't play music on the stereo like usual.

The ride to his house was unbearable, long, quiet, and sad.

What the hell did I do wrong?

I hesitate when I get to the front door. It takes me a few seconds to knock, I knock lightly. No answer. I knock again, I pound the door. I know he's close when I hear ruffling on the other side of the door.

I'm scared.

He opens it. I've seen his eyes red, but not like this. His eyes will get greener and droopier when he smokes one cigarette. He looks like he smoked a whole pack. Either way, that's something he said he would not do.

We stare at each other for a few moments before he realizes he needs to let me in before I let myself in. He moves out my way and I follow him to his room. There's obviously nobody else here but we shut the door anyway.

" So," I say, "Did I actually do something to make you feel this way or are you just high and overtired?"

He laughs, "I feel like I'm messing everything up, Sydney. With my anxiety sometimes I jus-"

"And you having anxiety like usual makes you feel the need to call me at an ungodly hour and try to break up with me! What even put the idea in your head?"

He sighs, I feel my eyes start to water and ignore it.

"I'm sorry! I just feel like these things always happen with me, Sydney. I'm always tugging at you for things like I need a damn helping hand through my entire life. It isn't good for either of us and it makes me feel like I'm not mature enough for this at all." His voice breaks at the end, he looks upset, but also okay at the same time.

"Listen," I breathe heavy and hold his hands in mind as we sit on his bed together, "That's how relationships work. We both struggle and help each other out. I love you, and I would never break up with you because you need my help."

For a moment he doesn't know what to say, and it doesn't shock me when his eyes start making tears and his mouth starts to shiver out sobs. It happens to the point where he wouldn't be able to speak even if it was the last time he'd ever be able to. He holds my hands tighter and lets his head fall into my chest.

"I'm sorry that-" He takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry that this is happening. I just get so scared that I'm not good enough because you're perfect and I know I'll never live up to the expectations that you should be putting out on the table. But I love you so much and I-" I let go of his hands and hug him, which makes him cry harder.

Am I transporting my hormones to him?

"Is everything going okay? Besides you and me?" I ask him because it seems like there's more going on than I think.

He takes a breath so deep it sounds like he's trying to steal all the air from everyone. "We went to the doctors and talked about my cough, how it could lead to disease." I give him a few moments to cool down and collect himself before he keeps speaking, I'm still hugging him. "My dad died from cancer when I was 14. I know me being high as hell right now doesn't make any sense, but in a way I think about him when I pick up that lighter. If he died from doing it then there's this thought in my head that I can die too.."

I swallow, "So when you smoke them
you-"

"Sometimes I just wanna die too." He says. My head pounds, my heart drops, and I cry all at once. All in one motion. I hold him like he's gonna disappear if I don't squeeze him. It makes me realize he really could be gone at any moment.

"When you feel that way you can talk to me Lucas. I know you feel like you put too much on me, and that I won't fully understand. I don't have to understand. Regardless I love you so much, and if you really do decide to break up with me the love I have for you will never ever fade into another place." I respond to him, he breathes into my shoulder and my shirt is very wet from his tears.

He shakes his head, "I overreacted. I don't think I'd be able to survive without you."

"Good," I smile, "I love you so much

"I love you too."

After that, I laid in bed with him. He fell asleep pretty quick, but I stayed awake. My brain travels to all the different ways that could have ended. I'm so relieved about it ending the way it did.

You don't choose who you love, you feel it. It's a very difficult thing to explain and process. But I've come to realization that it will never truly annoy me. I will love Lucas my whole life. Some days I may feel it more than others, but it will always be there.