enchanted

49

It's been one night only since I've sent that letter. Not a long time, I dropped it off Friday night and it's Saturday afternoon. I wouldn't expect him to check his mailbox until later anyways.

Lacy told Presley everything, I gave her permission. She wasn't home when I said everything and I didn't want to explain it again. Neither of them are home right now, though.

I wonder what he will say when he sees the letter. Will he write back? Will he call me? Will he come to my house?

Or maybe he won't do or even say anything, nothing at all.

I had that same nightmare again last night. I could barely even sleep because of it, so I'm insanely tired. I can't even think straight. 

I just want to see him again. I tried to avoid my feelings but it's suddenly starting to kill me now. The more I think about it the crazier I get in my head. It feels like my heart is stopping even more than it would when I'd see his face. Now that i'm not seeing him, it feels like i'm going mad.

You never realize how much of an impact someone has on you until they just aren't there anymore.

It feels like i'm loosing control.

I'm in the middle of that ocean now, and I can't stay up. I don't have a life jacket, I can't swim.

I feel like I'm going to pass out.

I need water.

I get up off my bed, pretty quickly so I lose vision for a second.

Feeling my way around with blurry vision, I feel the fridge and I open it. I grab a drink and pretzels and go back to my room.

When I get towards my door and try to pull the handle, I feel weak.

I've had my moments of hurt this past week but it just hits me now. He's not here. He hasn't been here. I'm the reason why he hasn't been around. He could be gone forever, or what feels like forever.

I feel myself fall and it all goes black. The last thing I hear is a ringing sound in both of my ears.

——————
*Lucas*

She wrote a letter in my mailbox today.

I want to open it, but I'm scared. What if she never will need me again?

I've been pacing back and forth, just wishing she'd be here. If she were here she'd be able to help me, buts she's the reason for my anxiety right now.

I need to read it.

I open the paper, it's pretty, it has flowers.

Dear Lucas,

     Monday was a hard day. We had parted from each other after the flight because you said you didn't feel well that day. The only plans I had were nothing, to do nothing at all. I was going to call you later that day to make sure you felt better, if you didn't I was going to visit you. That boy you saw me with, that was Dean. He knocked on my door. He was drunk. He touched me. He made me touch him back. He raped me. I had no choice but to be under him. I cried because I didn't think you'd believe me when I told you that. I was too scared to say it out loud, but we can still talk about it out loud if you want to. I was too scared to talk to you this week. I haven't even seen you this week. I want to see you next week and I want to hug you and kiss you again and love you. Because I can't picture myself loving anyone besides you, if it's not you it's not anyone. I want to see you so bad and I've wanted to. But i'm scared. I'm scared to tell you this out loud so i'm telling you on paper. If you decide that you don't want me then I'll leave you, but i'll always love you. Your smile, your eyes, your little dimple when you laugh too hard, your hate for mint chocolate chip ice cream, everything. The positives and negatives. I love you. I love you so much. Too much. It feels like the sun hasn't been out all week. It only shines when i'm with you. When i'm with you, it's like warm summer rain and a rainbow. Without you, it's thunder and lightning. Forgive me and stay with me, we can talk about it. This can either be closure or just the beginning.

   Love,
-Sydney

I was never given the talent to write. It would take so much to run to her house and talk in person just like she mentioned. 

But I can't wait anymore. I have to see her.

It's raining outside, really hard. There's thunder.

I bought her flowers yesterday, pink and purple ones. I take them with me.

I get there as fast as I can, only her car is in the driveway. It's like nobody else is ever home.

I get out of the car, and just the walk from here and to the door. makes me soaking wet.

As i'm about to knock, I realize what i'm doing right now.

This is the last time I can imagine what happens when I see her face again.

The door is unlocked and I get no answer, so from past experience I walk in.

She's there, just not in the way I expected her to be.