Taylor x Travis: In Every Life

before you go

Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

tw: you probably know what trigger warnings im going to put because of the song, but for those that don't, this one shot is pretty heavy with depression, mentions of harm and suicide so just don't put yourself through it if you can't okay, take care of yourselves and remember my dms are always open for anyone, for any reason at all

Taylor's POV

I did notice the signs as soon as they started to appear. The very first one I noticed was on December 8th, the last night of the Eras Tour, when we'd been at the afterparty and there had just been something slightly off. I didn't think much of it, but then I started to notice more.

Travis wasn't eating properly like he usually was, and I knew he thought I didn't notice, but of course I did. He stopped wanting to go out as much, and it got to the point where I had to either try to convince him, or go alone if I really had to attend. He slept a lot, but I put that down to all the football. I was in denial, so much denial.

Even though I didn't want to accept that there was something wrong, I couldn't put it aside. But I just knew Travis wouldn't want to talk about it. So I just watched, tried my best without making it look like I was trying to counter whatever was wrong. He got through the end of the season, and the worst part about it all was that when the won the Superbowl for the fourth time, he didn't even seem like it made him happy. He put on an act that would have fooled the whole world, but it didn't fool me. Travis wasn't happy, and I didn't know why.

I thought maybe he'd just been exhausted, but over the next few weeks, it didn't improve. If anything, it got even worse. Travis was a shell of the man I'd met, and I knew how much effort he was putting in to put on an act in front of me, in front of everyone, to pretend that nothing was wrong. But I knew him, and I saw through it. I saw it all.

The first day of May, I woke up a little later than usual. My brain foggy from sleep, I rolled over to see Travis lying on his side of the bed, still fast asleep. I just lay there for a moment, looking at him.

Up until a few months ago when I'd spent the night with Travis, I'd never woken up without him wrapped around me. We had been such a cuddly couple that people often joked about us, teasingly complained, and we'd laughed. I didn't know if it was something I'd done or if it was something else, but Travis hadn't seemed to want to touch me anymore. He still held my hand sometimes, gave me the occasional hug or light kiss, let me rest against him when we were watching a movie or sitting together, but nothing like we'd used to be. I didn't know why.

As I looked at him, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Things had gone on so long, our communication had plummeted so much, and I just felt awful. I wanted to make things right for him.

Reaching out, I placed my palm very gently against Travis' cheek and stroked gently, not wanting to startle him. His eyes fluttered and opened, looking over at me. I gave him a tentative smile, praying my tears didn't fall. It was hard for me to talk coherently when I cried.

"Hi sweetie." I whispered. "How'd you sleep?" Travis shrugged, rolling onto his back and rubbing his eyes. "Hey." I shifted to prop myself up on my elbows. "Can we talk about something for a minute?"

"Sure." Travis mumbled, staring up at the ceiling. 

"I'm..." I paused. "I'm worried about you Travis." At that, he looked over at me. "You've been acting different for a few months, and I thought maybe it was all the football but I just..." My throat clogged and I swallowed. "I just don't want you to be going through something and not tell me about it."