Adults Only Revisited

~Along Came A Spider~

So earlier tonight I was hurrying around doing all the things that needed to be done before the weather changed, the last of which was to take the garbage out to the rubbish bin. It had to get done because dark clouds sat on the horizon like a fat girl coming out of a donut shop - (what?) - and all the weather stations had pretty much put the chance of it pissing down with rain at 100%. As I hurled my trash into the bin my eye couldn't help but be drawn to a spider. Not just any spider but a Golden Garden Spider, one of the Orb Weaver species. (yellow and black)

As I watched I realized he was just starting the tedious task of building his web for the night. The little bastard was cranking out silk like nobody's business and those eight scrawny legs were feverishly at work putting up an impressive looking insect-catching structure. Problem was, the spider was building the web in between two garbage bins out in the open and it was about to rain. The spider was not only wasting time and energy but possibly endangering itself in the process.

I did what any normal person would do when faced with this situation: I drew my face in close to the busy little fucker and screamed, "It's gonna rain, dipshit!" The little fucktard kept working. Now normally I am quick to anger at the smallest of nature's creatures but for some reason cooler heads prevailed and I began to try to reason with it. "Listen, you may think you're the shit with your silk being stronger than steel of the same thickness and all, but you don't know dick about the weather."

The spider was immune to the effect of my logic. What made it worse was that it hadn't started to rain yet so in some strange way I felt like the spider was winning the  argument. "We have technology spider! I know it's going to rain. Eight legs or not you're going down!" I was forced to slump down and await the rains that would bring my inevitable victory.

I started to get a little antsy. This spider was hauling ass and would soon be done. The seconds turned to minutes and then the minutes turned to tens of minutes and still no rain. If anything, the winds that were making the web-building process a tad difficult for the spider were letting up. Weatherman - what the fuck does he know?
　　
Apparently the flies and moths in my local area had also missed the forecast for the evening because it wasn't long before the air was buzzing with activity. This brought on the nocturnal salute of waving my hands in front of my face to keep myself from inhaling one of the various flying pests.
I glanced down to find my spider nemesis was sitting in the middle of his finished web.

I looked down at my watch. Had I really been crouched down between my garbage bins for 45 minutes?! Suddenly I had the feeling I was being watched. Sure enough, I found myself staring right into the eight cold eyes of my yellow and black archenemy. Why do you even need eight eyes? People have two and we're doing just fine don't you think?
　　
He continued to mock me, sitting there in his web. "So this is what we're doing tonight is it, you and I?" I said, as I sat down and got comfortable. "You know this is only for the night, right? In the morning I'm spraying this whole fucking driveway with Raid. Every inch."

In slow motion I saw a moth fly by my face in a wild zigzag pattern and then head straight into the web. "What the fuck kind of flying is that shit? Do you even know where you want to go or do you just fucking careen around aimlessly until you end up eaten?" I yelled at the moth.

The moth fluttered briefly in the web but he was caught. The spider, seemingly without a care in the world, slowly made his way down the web to his captured prey.
"Not tonight Sunshine!" I said, as I quickly reached into the web and plucked the moth out of it. "That's right Mr. Eight Eyed Weather Diviner, no dinner for you." I tried to release it but the moth was stuck to my fingers. It still had webbing all over its body and try as I might I couldn't get the shit off of it. No use saving it only to leave it unable to fly and become an easy snack for the ants. "Fuck!" I exclaimed, as a wing came off in my hand. "Shit. This is no way to build an insect."
　　
Again I felt the eight eyes upon me. "You win, you win! Ok?" I tried to flick the formerly-saved but now not-so-successfully-rescued moth back into the web but I couldn't get his sticky ass off my finger. White powdery shit started to get all over my hands. Finally I was able to brush him off into the web.
He didn't struggle. He just lay there suspended amongst the web.

The spider didn't move. Is it possible to motionlessly express disdain? "Go on, eat him bitch!" I said with a snarl. But the spider contemptuously just sat there. After telling the spider that I hoped he was happy, and that he could go fuck himself, I turned to go back inside. That's when the skies opened up! Hahahaha...

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